Editor’s Note: This is a humor column.
Dear Editor,
I speak as a concerned, completely unbiased and anonymous member of the University community. Over the past months, The Cavalier Daily has published in-depth coverage of the illustrious, brilliant and thoughtful leadership of former dean of the School of Law and most recently and importantly, former Interim President Paul Mahoney — as well as the appointment of Scott Beardsley. While I find the latter to be less stirring, it is the lack of proper coverage surrounding a clear and repugnant leadership discrepancy that brought me to write to you today. It is my astute analysis of University affairs that the Board of Visitors has supremely overlooked the opportunity to keep Mahoney’s excellence and understanding around — by sharing the presidency — rather than just letting this other guy do everything.
The executive editor of this paper rejected several of my tenderly-worded 55,000-word columns, so a pithy letter is all we could agree upon.
Simply put, the appointment of Scott was a mistake. Sure, that whole presidential search committee was a dumpster fire from the start, yadda yadda. But screw Board of Visitors legitimacy — why in tarnation would this Board so easily give up a man as perfect for the University as former dean of the School of Law and most recently and importantly, former Interim President Paul Mahoney? It’s like hiring esteemed School of Law alum Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to be the Health and Human Services Secretary, and suddenly sacking him for that vampire freak Bryan Johnson, just because he has better hair than RFK Jr. — absolute nonsense. Scott does not have better hair than Paul Mahoney, nor does he have any cooler ideas or better reasons to be president. So … they should just share the presidency.
Think of Paul Mahoney, and count to three. What comes to mind? A big bald eagle sailing across the sky, the Lawn filled with hundreds of community members excitedly talking about him and his fire trenchcoat that makes him look like Neo from “The Matrix.” Yeah, that’s right. Now, think of Scott Beardsley. He’s a Carlyle Group consultant — I see the Youngkin friendship connection. Electrical engineering degree from Tufts University? Yeah, Paul got the same degree, but in almost-Boston — at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology if you’ve ever heard of it. And so what Beardsley has a dog? Is having a dog really the most important characteristic about a University president? Is it really that sweet that he named it Lawnie? Maybe Paul should just get a cat and name it Carr. Get it, because he lived at Carr’s Hill? Two can play at that game, Scott.
Frankly, I just feel bad for all of us that we’ll never get to see the excellence of a permanent Paul-sidency. Prances with Paul — each Sunday morning skipping in circles around the Rotunda and awkwardly making small talk with each other. Baloney with Mahoney — the most delicious sandwich pop-up inside of O’Hill, sponsored by Littlejohn’s and the University’s overlords at the Carlyle Group. And of course, the lecture that I — I mean, Paul Mahoney, would be conducting near the end of the year — ENWR 2010, “How to Successfully Craft Vague Replies to the Department of Justice’s Investigations.” This is an enormous loss to the University community, which must be met with the opportunity to have a co-presidency.
It would be such an easy transition — Mahoney has been living in Carr’s Hill this past semester, after all. Mahoney’s things are actually still in the closet on the second floor in the master bedroom, if you go and check, Scott. Also, Mahoney accidentally left his classic pocket protector under the desk of Madison Hall, so if you could return that to me as soon as possible, I’d really appreciate it so that I could return it to Paul. Obviously.
With all these memories and artifacts of his illustrious term haunting the University, it simply just makes sense to keep Me-honey — I mean, Mahoney — around, right?
I think the Board of Visitors has a lot going on right now — I’m not 100 percent sure, because none of them really text me anymore. But in this moment of stress for the University, why not bring back a touch of stability by bringing back the most awesome, chill and nice guy ever? I might not have a cool dog, but with our powers combined, Scott, we can be the most dynamic duo to ever awkwardly show up for photo-ops around Grounds.
It could be us, together, Scott. Imagine it. Please respond to my myriad of faxes once you get the chance. And to the CD, I’m always available for exclusive interviews. Always.
With gratitude,
Person anonyMous
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