Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Following University-led litigation against the Jefferson Scholars Foundation, Echols Scholars are set to be renamed to Jefferson Scholars and vice versa, effective immediately. A secretive pressure campaign from the Jefferson Council preceded this change, and its consequences have left many University community members — and newly Jeffersonified scholars — confused and irritated.
In late February, University administrators began to take aim at the Foundation, claiming it was “morally wrong for certain independent organizations bearing the name of Thomas Jefferson” to influence student life at the University. This culminated in a legal effort to reclaim the term “Jefferson Scholar” as a label for the College of Arts & Sciences’ honors students.
“This clearly is what Mr. Jefferson would have wanted — he was a man of the people, and there are way, way more honors students than there are so-called ‘Jefferson’ Scholars,” University President Scott Beardsley said. “This new change is merely a reflection of Jefferson’s yeoman values, and it forwards our University’s long-standing efforts to tie as much as humanly possible to his name. As we used to say at McKinsey, this will be pretty epic.”
Circuit courts quickly ruled in favor of the University, requiring the Foundation to remove any Jefferson-related imagery or labeling from their materials. However, upon investigation and more than a few embarrassing text message leaks, it became apparent that the Jefferson Council was the driving force behind the University’s legal efforts.
The Council’s motives remain unclear and ambiguously anti-woke. Some suggest the emphasis on Jefferson’s name could be an attempt to please Department of Justice officials, sort of like how Marvel movies will shoehorn in the popular superheroes to appease internet freaks. Regardless, the Jefferson Scholars Foundation, itching to get back at University administrators and the Jefferson Council, swiftly renamed itself to the Echols Scholars Foundation.
“After this unfortunate ruling, our board decided to rename the Foundation in honor of that one U.Va. professor who tried to stop the 1895 Rotunda fire with 50 pounds of dynamite,” Foundation Executive Jared Jefferson said. “While we are aware of past programs bearing the ‘Echols Scholars’ title … we honestly don’t really care. We’re burning this bridge, kinda like that Rotunda fire thing we mentioned. YOLO!”
This change quickly confused all of those smart cookies on Grounds who participate in either program — worse yet, the name-change announcement on Instagram went up right before another one of those “New Ivy” articles came out, so it was buried almost immediately, never to be seen again.
“I didn’t realize for a bit, but now, I’ve had to change my LinkedIn and my resume and my Instagram bio all because of some stupid name change decision,” said Jimothy Longo, third-year … well, something scholar at the University. “Getting a full ride to this school was nice and all, but what really mattered to me was being a scholar in a program named after Thomas Jefferson. I don’t care about this William Holding Echols guy and his dynamite and his ‘Eli Banana,’ whatever that means.”
The ramifications of these name changes have affected the Class of 2030 as well, since acceptances to the University were released shortly after all of the program name changes were finalized.
“They told me I was a Jefferson Scholar, which I Googled and got really excited about,” Skibiddy Longo, a rising first-year College student, said. “Then my older brother reminded me that the University never updates the info on their websites … turns out everyone and their mother is a Jefferson Scholar now…”
The name change has had a surprisingly speedy effect on University culture as well. While the standing of Echols dormitory still benefits from mistaken associations with the honors students that actually live in the innuendo dorm, Echols dormitory now has the taboo of being associated with annoying, confusing legal stuff.
The change has also elevated Walentas Scholars, mostly for staying out of the entire thing, but also for generally avoiding the whole reputation that the other two groups have developed at the University.
The Echols Scholars Foundation has appealed the case to the Supreme Court of Virginia, vowing to fight the University’s lawyers dollar-for-dollar. A source within the court tells The Cavalier Daily that justices have actually already made a decision, but that they will only release it when “the dust has settled and all that silly procedural stuff, like ‘public discourse,’ is over.”
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