Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
With the enrollment deadline already passed, Grounds is preparing for its annual summer infestation of rising first-years. If you consider yourself one of these wide-eyed creatures, you may have yet to realize that you must immediately begin a far more ruthless admissions process — finding a roommate on Instagram. This requires creating the perfect introductory post, and I’m here to tell you that you’re probably doing it all wrong. As a washed-up fourth-year who had a random roommate and checks Instagram once a week, I find myself uniquely qualified to offer these life-changing, first-year defining tips.
1. Curate a strategically effortless photo dump
Your post should feature a “casual” photo dump. Aim for a balanced portfolio — a beach photo that says “I am fun and occasionally go outdoors,” a blurry group photo that says “I am capable of maintaining friendships” and a photo of you and your dog that says “I am nurturing.” A candid laughing picture is essential, as it signals that you experience joy in a natural, unforced way. Showcase every aspect of your wonderful, desperate self, just as God — and Beardsley — intended.
2. Keep your personality broad
To be as widely compatible as possible, you must appeal to the masses. Whatever you do, do not divulge your true academic interests. Keep it simple with something like, "I'm planning on majoring in neuroscience, commerce, media studies and maybe pre-law haha but I’m undecided!!” Same goes for your hobbies — let everyone know that you love going to the gym, sunsets, traveling, coffee and music. Most importantly, include the universally beloved phrase, “always down for a night out but also love staying in.” This statement is so common that it has lost all meaning, and serves only as a ritualistic assurance that you are not a complete nerd. Although you may, in fact, be a complete nerd with niche interests, avoid bringing this up at all costs. Your love of competitive birdwatching or Civil War documentaries will only narrow your roommate pool.
3. Show everyone how aggressively ahead you are
The average University student is ridiculously overprepared for everything, so if you’ve been accepted, you probably are too. But I’m going to need you to take this one step further. The ideal Instagram introduction post should subtly let potential roommates know that you are somehow more ahead in life than many current students. Casually mention that you’ve already secured off-Grounds housing for Fall 2027 at Yugo Crestline and that you have connections in selective consulting clubs. You also already have “things lined up” for this summer as well as next. The goal is to appear so prepared that someone will not only want to room with you — they’ll also begin to question whether you are actually a first-year student or just a very ambitious fourth-year repeating the experience for prestige.
4. Act casual about your desperation
Finally, you must appear interested in finding a roommate without seeming like you care too much. This is a delicate balance. End your caption with something breezy like, “Feel free to reach out!!” or “Still looking for a roomie hehe :).” Sure, maybe you’ve already stalked every follower of all the Class of 2030 accounts, or you’ve sent an alarming number of DMs that all begin with “Hey, are you still looking for a roommate??” But this information should never see the light of day. You are, of course, actively searching for someone to share a confined living space with for an entire year, but this must come across as a light, non-urgent side quest.
After following these simple steps, all you need to do is sit back and wait for the multitudes of DMs from similarly-desperate-but-acting-otherwise students. Next thing you know, you and your new roommate will be experiencing the joys of the classic University “firsts” together — first time waiting in the Trin line, first lockdown, first NetBadge Back Arrow error screen. Wow, I’m getting nostalgic already. Welcome to Grounds!
Read More
Echols Scholars to be renamed Jefferson Scholars and vice versa
By Owen Andrews | June 4, 2026Echols Scholars are set to be renamed to Jefferson Scholars and vice versa, effective immediately.
ADVERT: Ignore the Mitochondria Minions, join the Empire of Engineers today
By Nafeesa Naz | May 29, 2026As the University’s dedicated E-mbassadors, we believe it is time to take a stand against the pre-med propaganda.
College of Arts & Sciences announces year-round Engagements cohort next year
By Simran Chavan | May 21, 2026University leaders have announced a new yearlong Engagements cohort for the 2026-27 school year.
