Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
No matter what major you are, I think we can all agree we’re tired of hearing about pre-med struggles, right? Every day, the average University student wakes up, opens Yik Yak — hoping to find some funny posts about last night at Trin or a cute squirrel picture — only to see post after post talking about “Omg guys we ALL failed that Orgo exam right?” or “Oh you’re in BIOL 2100 and complaining? Well, I’m in 2200 and heh, looks like they got you doing the easy work, huh cupcake?”
Enough is enough. As the University’s dedicated E-mbassadors, we believe it is time to take a stand against the pre-med propaganda. After all, Summer Orientation is coming up soon which means it’s time for new beginnings — a rebirth even. It is not too late to transfer into our program.
Every day the School of Engineering and Applied Science loses hundreds, if not thousands of talented “STEM smart” students to pre-med programs. Did you know that evil pre-med students laugh diabolically every night during their labs? As they mix sinister ingredients into their cauldrons they cackle, “Bob and his builders are losing! Bob and his builders are losing! They should forget the buildings they’re tweaking and focus on not reeking!” Listen, the stinky jokes are one thing, but we engineers take pride in our association with the smashing television hit “Bob the Builder.”
The engineering empire will rise again, and the engineers need your help to surpass the undeserved status of the “Grey’s Anatomy” fandom. This is a rallying cry to all math and science geniuses at the University, as well as all incoming first years — please direct your talents to the likes of Engineer’s Way instead of the pre-med path.
The E-School will be your path to peace and prosperity. Lifelong friendships have blossomed in the depths of Rice Hall, career opportunities have been born in office hours and soulmates have been found through working together on problem sets. We know that our program has a reputation of being stressful, but second-year Engineering student and dedicated E-mbassador Doyle McMatter testified to the peaceful and enriching academic culture in this program.
“Pre-med simply lacks the aura and challenge of engineering programs,” McMatter said. “Aside from the allegations about my hygiene habits, I really do love my program. As for exams, I do stres—I mean strengthen my skills, so it’s not so bad haha …”
As you can see, the stress levels of engineering majors appear to be small. Engineers like to keep that cortisol low — we can’t say the same about the stethoscope stans. The stress seems to be getting to their heads and adding onto their evil nature. I mean, just read this absolutely horrific and cruel statement recently made by one of them.
“My major is difficult but I still love it regardless! As for engineering majors, I imagine they work hard too,” Maddeline Hats, a third-year College student studying biology, said.
It is clear that pre-med students hold an astronomical amount of hatred for engineers. “‘Imagine’ they work hard?” No, we simply just work hard! Thankfully, we will not let our haters get to us.
Us engineers are really just misunderstood. We are actually very loving and sensitive people. Okay yes we do have some infighting through superiority complexes within our program — rest in peace civil engineers’ dignity — but aside from that we all sing “Kumbaya” at the end of the day. Well, aside from the weapons engineering majors.
Anyways, the E-mbassadors hope you feel a sense of passion and thrill after reading through this advert. Hopefully, more of you join us in our efforts to take down the regime of the pre-med students. Even if you choose not to declare an engineering major, we hope at least now you know that we are truly the ones that deserve the title of the most respectable undergraduate program here at the University. In the words of Napoleon, “My enemies are many, my equals are none.”
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