Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.
Love is in the air on Grounds, and although you’ve been in a committed relationship with that AI chatbot for quite some time, you’ve decided to make a move onto an actual, real-life relationship with your surprisingly successful Marriage Pact match. Congratulations! This is a huge step for the Earth and for you. However, in the midst of second-semester chaos, it feels like the big one-four has crept up on you without warning. You have no idea what to do … or how to fund your Valentine’s Day activities.
I don’t blame you for feeling lost. Dating is unfamiliar territory for many Hoos, and more importantly, you’re balling on a budget. Don’t worry, you’re not the only one. However, this does mean your V-Day date will likely be in one of three places — Newcomb, O’Hill or Runk. Does this feel like too many options to choose from? Then it’s a good thing that the Newcomb Dining Hall is closed on Saturdays and that you have no interest in trekking to the Gooch-Dillard neighborhood — O’Hill it is!
There’s no shame in the dining hall date game. In fact, it’s a forgotten art, and it’s honorable that you want to get good use out of the pricey meal plan you were forced to opt into. Although I’m impressed by your valiant efforts to save some cash so that you can pay your off-Grounds rent next year, this isn’t just a normal day. After all, Valentine’s Day is the day of love, and Cupid won’t cut you slack just because you forgot to opt out of paying for your online textbooks this semester — you’ve still got to step it up. Don’t let the trade-off between saving and spending get in the way of making this the most romantic night of your life. If you think you might struggle to pull it off, let me give you some concrete steps so you hit all the right marks.
First, you must scout out the perfect table at O’Hill. I recommend a booth on the third floor. Private and comfy? Count me in. However, the plain, ketchup-and-crumb covered table you’ll likely stumble upon won’t cut it, so make sure you clean it and decorate. A nice tablecloth, vase and some fake flowers would be ideal, but if that’s out of your price range, a spare bedsheet, a paper cup and a few sticks from outside should do the trick. Be sure to set the table before your date gets there. It may be a laborious task trying to find a clean plate, spoon, fork and knife, but I believe in you. Your setup won’t be on par with a Michelin star restaurant or even your first-year Dome Dinner, but your date will certainly give you an ‘A’ for effort.
Next, you need to set the mood with some music. Sure, they already play freaked-out music 25/8 in the dining hall, but you don’t want to get ahead of yourself. Remember that JBL speaker you bought in August for pregames that you haven’t used since the football season ended? Yeah, it’s time for its comeback. Find a romantic playlist using your dad’s Pandora Plus subscription and place the speaker right next to your paper cup and twig centerpiece. Crank the volume so that it’s loud enough to drown out whatever song by The Weeknd that O’Hill staff decided to play, but not so loud that you can’t hear what your date has to say.
Last but not least, you. You must look your very best. Do an online color analysis and figure out what shade of blue best suits your undertones. Ask the Comm school kids you know for some business casual attire to elevate your look. Once you believe you’ve selected the most flattering combination of clothing you can find in all of Charlottesville, ask your friends for some input before officially finalizing your date night ‘fit. If you’re feeling really brave — or simply don’t trust your inner circle’s fashion taste — send an email to the entire school to get some input. Worst case scenario, you’ll become a new Yik Yak character as a result of your bold choices. That prospect may seem scary and terrible, but your infamy could work in your favor.
“Yeah, my Valentine is CC Listserv, what about it?” your date will brag to their friends. Maybe. You might get unlucky — your Valentine might be more private. In that case, your celeb status will likely be a burden rather than something they want to boast about. Don’t worry, the solution is quite simple. Sit down and have a grown up conversation about the situation. Tell them that you don’t want fame to get in the way of your meaningful connection and romantic Valentine’s Day plans. Promise them that you won’t become a TikTok influencer — no matter how many brand deals are thrown your way — and try to shy away from any public appearances. Just let Yik Yak slowly return to equilibrium while you perfect your plans for the 14th. They’ll forget all about your email and you in no time.
With this guidance, you should be golden for your inaugural dining hall date. If you’ve been seeing this person for some time, my final suggestion would be to print out some sweet photos of the two of you and hang them up next to your table. You could even frame them if you’re feeling fancy. The photos will add some personal flair to the evening and let your Valentine know that you’re in this for the long haul. However, if printing is also out of your budget, bring your laptop and make the photos into a Google slideshow that you can shuffle through as you enjoy your meal together.
If this is your first date with this person, you may not have many photos to choose from. Not to fret, quality matters more than quantity. As long as you make sure to put that wonderful photo from when you formally asked them to be your Valentine on display, your evening should go swimmingly.
You did actually ask them to be your Valentine … right?
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