Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.
GLP-1s, strange new diets and unsolicited workout advice — what do these emerging internet fads have to do with securing a summer internship? According to the Career Center, the answer is quite a lot.
Inspired by a new wave of internet discourse, the Career Center will be hosting a series of workshop events to assist students in making themselves more attractive to employers. The emphasis on physical appearance stems from a viral trend surrounding aspects of conventional beauty and how they are achieved — which is primarily through a questionably eugenicist formula called “looksmaxxing.”
Leading advisors at the Career Center are taking the same approach to combat these rising trends as they are to combat artificial intelligence. That is, no approach. In lieu of this changing culture around beauty standards, the Career Center has announced a new series of workshops dubbed “LinkedIn Looksmaxxing.”
Stacey Slimm, program director of fraternal business networking, is responsible for coordinating the workshop series. Recently, Slimm commented on concerns about recent hiring trends that seem to emphasize bone structure as a determining factor.
“I’d rather not intellectualize it,” Slimm said. “Times are changing, and we have to adapt our approach to the job hiring process. That is why the Career Center is taking measures to best prepare students for corporate America’s new hiring criterion — which is, of course, hotness itself.”
The workshops will feature self-improvement activities such as bonesmashing, upgrading one’s Instagram for ‘networking’ purposes and consuming unseasoned steak from a wooden cutting board.
One example of rising prevalence of looksmaxxing in Gen Z culture is the influencer Braden Peters, known online as Clavicular. The allegedly 20-year-old sensation rose to internet notoriety practically overnight. He is known — particularly by 12-year-old Fortnite players and some niche online gay communities — for ascending from a level five chudmaxxer to a level nine mogger.
Finance Advising Program Director Melania Romania also gave insights on the importance of looksmaxxing, but claims that certain, non-superificial characteristics do actually still matter in the job market.
“I’ve seen this kid Clavicular. He seems very intelligent,” Romania said. “But recent events prove that even a real looker playing die in front of ThePi on a warm Saturday afternoon is at risk of stress-related cortisol. Didn’t you hear the news? Clav was brutally frame-mogged by an ASU frat leader a few weeks ago. The high stress nearly reset all of Clav’s progress. Don’t let that be you!”
In fact, some University students have actually reported losing coveted internship positions to their Arizona State University counterparts, not simply due to sharper jawlines and positive canthal tilts as the culprits, but cortisol control.
Chad Saintelmo IV, second-year College student and member of an unnamed “touse” fraternity, spoke on the competitiveness of top positions.
“I thought I was totally locked in for this position at JP Morgan. 2027. I’ve worked so hard at school and all that. Been looksmaxxing, too. But they went with my cousin, Chet, instead,” Saintelmo IV said. “Chet’s at ASU. Total stud who understands cortisol way better than I do. I didn’t even know cortisol existed, how was I supposed to prepare? But yeah, it was brutal — my own Dad. He betrayed me. How do you not choose your own son for the job you're in charge of?”
Slimm has worked closely with Saintelmo IV, alongside other hopeless economics majors in the College, throughout the recruiting process.
“We’re trying to get Chad to live up to his name. We really want to create a supportive but informative space where we can say, ‘don’t get frame-mogged and cortisol-mogged by an Arizona Chet! Be a 10/10 applicant! Be a Chad!’” Slimm said.
Other students also expressed concern that the University is falling in corporate prestige to “sexier” schools, like the University of Miami or Texas A&M University.
Whitney Passing, publicity chair of the University’s chapter of Turning Point U.S.A., explained that large companies are moving away from the whole “woke vibe.”
“We’re just too … academic … and independent. There is more to life than non-conformity. We have to look good, too. If anything, we should have signed that Compact when we had the chance,” Passing said.
The “LinkedIn Looksmaxxing” workshops will be held weekly on Fridays between 6 a.m. and 7 a.m. at Clemons Library, on floor two. They are to take place conveniently after spring break during the remaining weeks of March.
“We are hoping some of that Fort Lauderdale tan time comes in handy for some of my pastiest peers. We call it the Mar-a-Lago effect. Have you ever seen Trump without his bronzer? Exactly. We’re hoping these kids come in hot and ready for headshots,” Slimm said. “Did you know, polls show that employers make 50 percent of hiring decisions based solely on LinkedIn profile pictures? Or something like that?”
Other advisors corroborated this sentiment, explaining that March is a critical time to capitalize on second semester successes and lock in last minute internships.
“Beginning in March gives us time to assess the dedication of students to their New Year’s fitness resolutions, also. If you’ve been skipping the gym or not hitting those macros, now is the time we can get you to begin,” Romania said.
University President and former senior partner at McKinsey & Company Scott Beardsley has expressed his support for this new development.
“I love this idea!! Let’s get these boys a pack of Busch,” Beardsley said. “Oh, a woman? A chick came up with this? No shot. Well then run and get some White Claw!”
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