Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.
It is no secret that the boy has been crying wolf a lot recently in Charlottesville. We’ve had a fake “shooting,” “bombing” and “tornado” in the past academic year. With those disasters being fraudulent, here are the top five true, actually occurring disasters that University students face.
1. Running into people you really don’t want to see on the Corner
Picture this — or really just recall it because it’s definitely happened to you — you’re walking down the Corner after an exam in a class that’s supposed to be an “easy A” just took your soul. You keep your head down and count the bricks as you pass the former Little John’s — likely a future 7 Day storefront — only to reach the CVS where that friend of a friend who can’t seem to shut up stops you. Having to talk about your plans for the night and the rest of the weekend when all you want to do is find your bed and hibernate is a nigh on impossible task. God forbid these people be so friendly and outgoing! Don’t they know that failing that exam means you are going to have to drive a trash truck for the rest of your life!
2. Being stuck behind slow-walking groups of three on the sidewalk
This is truly a fate that you do not wish on your worst enemy. You assuredly have very important places to be — the lecture that you are already 15 minutes early for — and being behind a lollygagging group of pedestrian-pathway-hoggers makes you wish that that tornado just came and took you away. Of course, you could always step in the street or grass to pass, but University groundskeepers work far too hard and Charlottesville drivers are far too atrocious for you to do anything of that nature. This problem is only compounded if the low-lifes have an umbrella. The amount of times I’ve almost lost an eye to a scatterbrained lunatic wielding a death stick is innumerable. These people really ruin the efficiency of the average University student and are most definitely the reason for our not being number one in USA Today Top Public School rankings.
3. Duo Mobile
The introduction of Duo Mobile two-factor authentication is possibly the greatest tragedy in the realm of education since Michelle Obama ruined school lunch. The struggle of having to pull your phone out of your pocket and press two buttons is a legitimate burden that students face sometimes multiple times a day. Most students would much rather just allow someone to log into their Canvas — which would be extremely beneficial to the wrongdoer — than undertake such an arduous task. This diversion also breaks the sanctity of the study lock-in, inevitably leading to a two hour doom-scroll session or a never-ending Wikipedia rabbit hole. Is the security of your very valuable University accounts worth these terrible fates? That’s up for you to decide, against an unavoidable daily disaster.
4. The mustiest person ever sitting next to you in class
The absolute worst thing to see at 9 in the morning on a Wednesday is a guy rolling into class with a terrible bedhead and a positively revolting odor heading over to sit next to you. The moment you get a whiff of that stench, your day might as well be over. I’m fairly certain that odors like these were banned in the 1925 Geneva Protocol, but as NOVA was not a signatory, I suppose these bad actors do not have to adhere to it. It’s baffling that students have more free time than ever in college, and an unsettling number of them choose to not use a small fraction of that to, say, shower and put on deodorant like a functioning human being. Do better — your mother would be disappointed.
5. Virginia’s bipolar weather delaying permanent flip flop season
It really gets my blood boiling when the temperature drops from 77 to 47 degrees over the course of 24 hours. All I — and all other University students — want to do is just be able to throw on my favorite tie-dye Widespread shirt and some flip flops, and prowl grounds. The blame for this one falls entirely on that dang ground hog. Not the imposter Punxsutawney Phil, but the South’s true groundhog, Beauregard Lee. Regardless of the fact that Beauregard is over twice as accurate as Phil, he has clearly been taking bribes from Virginia Tech students because I’ve found it very hard to wear my spring uniform this year. The traditional saying, “Sun’s out, gun’s out” is more skewed towards a West Coast audience, so I propose the saying “Sun’s high, let the flops fly” for a more distinguished place like Mr. Jefferson’s University.
Bonus: When your roommate leaves a clean pot on the stove, but keeps the burner on, so when you go to grab the pot, you sear your fingers and are late to submit your Cavalier Daily draft
This one is so ubiquitous and relatable that I considered not even including it, but because of this problem I am a bit behind and needed some more content. I won’t go into too much detail since we all know the feeling, but it is very hard to do any sort of work when your digits have been cooked to a nice Pittsburgh rare.
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