Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
With Night Pilot ridership plummeting, University Transit Service officials have decided to go in a new direction with their exclusive late-night service. UTS president Cat Traengofast announced yesterday that effective immediately, the route formerly known as the “Night Pilot” will become the “Night Party” through an exclusive partnership with the University’s Inter-Fraternity Council.
After high interest following the Night Pilot’s introduction, students have begun to boycott the route en masse. Reports of alarming levels of boredom and awkward silences have pressured UTS to make radical changes, with disgruntled riders saying that if they wanted to make uneasy eye contact with acquaintances late at night, they would have attended Monsters University.
“When I first saw the Night Pilot, I thought it was where all the best parties were at,” first-year College student Jake Paulman said. “But then I found out it’s just the Green Line with extra steps. I guess you’re supposed to take it to the libraries, but those close so early now! What’s the point of that?”
Fortunately for UTS, IFC leadership demonstrated mass interest in rescuing the route, with multiple leaders willing to skip darties to work through negotiations.
“We’re thrilled to begin our newest partnership with UTS,” IFC co-president Ethan Colorado said. “Our previous collaborations, including Veo Accident Insurance and Flip Flop to Bus Stop, have been incredibly successful. We look forward to carrying the former Night Pilot to a landslide election victory … I mean, touse-like relevance.”
Sources close to Colorado have indicated that the IFC has major plans for the Night Party. The IFC intends to allow one accredited fraternity to host an event on the bus each weekend, collecting partiers at various stops around the Corner. For the Kappa Chi Chi fraternity, this represents a major although unexpected opportunity, per Social Chair Tyler McFerda.
“We were gonna do a classic ‘White Lies’ t-shirt party, but then this bus thing happened,” McFerda said. “We had to delete the DoorList invite and everything. People thought we got kicked off for another raccoon thing. To squash the rumors, we decided to be super original and do ‘White Lies… on a Bus.’”
Other future themes for Night Party functions include “Heated Rival-Bus,” “Heaven or Bus,” “Anything But a Bus” and “Country vs Country Bus.”
Not just anyone will be allowed to hop on to the revamped experience. Each ride will become yet another exclusive DoorList event, with invitations only extended to those either already in Greek Life or with the ability to answer 10 difficult questions about the history of buses. Without an invite or the “proper ratio,” those deemed inadequate by the onboard bouncer will be denied entry.
Beta Upsilon Sigma president Axel Enginberger wholeheartedly approves of these plans.
"The race to become top bus — tus — is already on! We can’t have a bunch of first-years with no aura trying to mog us,” Enginberger said.
Students concerned about locating the Night Party need not worry. Top UTS technician Mack Kanic has already incorporated the route into the famously reliable TransLoc app, and the IFC aims to go further than that. Colorado announced that the IFC is exploring a partnership with Snapchat to add the Night Party directly onto Snap Map, streamlining the boarding process for those hyperfixated on increasing their snap scores.
The IFC also intends to replace longtime Night Pilot driver S. Wheeler, following a series of student complaints that his driving style was duller than a Chem lecture and that he stopped at too many stop signs. Replacing him is former Formula 1 driver Fast Merstappen, who has promised to take McCormick Road through Central Grounds flat out and get as much air as possible on those pesky speed bumps in front of Gilmer Hall.
While some have expressed concern about a massive bus tearing up Grounds at 40 miles per hour, Traengofast defended the selection of Merstappen.
“Our buses stop for pedestrians every. Single. Block. We are sick and tired of having to wait for you and your friend to finish jaywalking at that weird intersection in front of Monroe Hall. You’re going to yield to us this time,” Traengofast said.
Fourth-year College student Lonnie Walker expressed frustration with this decision, saying that this change is too little, too late.
“I wasted half of my prime years waiting for that stupid bus in front of Shannon,” Walker said. “I left so many fire parties early just for it to pull away right as I got there. Now they decide to go make it fun? This is even worse than them picking Jim Ryan to be our graduation speaker.”
While University President Scott Beardsley was unavailable for comment on this article, an anonymous confidant informed The Chevalier Daily that “you can find him this weekend on the ‘NP.’”
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