With students finally settled back into life on Grounds and big assignments coming down the pipeline, the last thing any student needs is the influenza virus ruining their academic experience. At least 40 of you freaks are already down with the sickness, and I bet there are at least 40 more of you out there right now coughing in the back of a lecture hall. Perhaps some of you are neglecting to use the AFC wet wipes and ruining it all for the rest of us. Thus, as a desperate final appeal to save the University from a Hoo Flu pandemic, I’m going to take the time to give you some of the most evidenced ways that you can avoid getting sick this flu season.
First, you know how it takes the dining hall employees a few minutes to get all of the plates off of the rotating dish return and properly washed? Well, I’ve learned that, if you’re quick with it, nobody will stop you from just reusing other people’s plates — this is a huge part of how I’ve maintained flawless health during my collegiate journey! The residual germs left by other students are usually enough to bolster one’s own immune system and overall health, and while I generally try to lick any plate clean before I use it, I am sure that you can accrue similar health benefits without doing so.
But, of course, your immune system is only part of the broader illness puzzle — most people are not aware that sickness occurs largely as cosmic retribution for deeply personal failures of a moral nature. Then again, most people do not spend much time in the Contemplative Sciences Center. Marinating for even just a few hours every day in the center’s dark, mysterious, crystal-walled room has proven benefits for the metaphysical health of students, which is itself a key defense against the B strain of influenza in particular. And don’t even get me started on the ontological goodness that radiates from the Commons’ 360-square-foot LED video display.
However, it is here that I must stress the importance of getting your information from trusted sources like The Cavalier Daily. For example, the Department of Health and Human Services may try to tell you that the Dell’s water has healing powers, but that’s pure superstition and an utterly foolish belief to hold — coming into contact with stagnant water is never sanitary! On the other hand, some folk wisdom still holds true, such as the importance of avoiding people who are involved in a cappella. That advice is pretty self-explanatory.
Another key contributing factor in the spread of viral infections is cramped indoor contact, and unfortunately, that sort of contact is at its most frequent in your University-accredited courses. If you are attending your classes, you are sharing a breathing space with hundreds of students who did who-knows-what over the weekend. Were they in the sickbay that is Boylan Heights? Partying it up in a cramped frat house? You simply have no way of knowing, and so, the best way to reduce this risk is to skip class altogether.
Nevertheless, just because you aren’t going to your courses doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy life on Grounds! You can think of this as an excuse to spend more time doing germ-free outdoorsy things, like attending an outdoor concert at Coupes’ or making out with a stranger at a Madison Bowl darty.
Finally, it’s super important that you drink plenty of fluids. This point cannot be stressed enough — fluids play a crucial role in keeping your body regulated, and that goes for whether you’re sick or not! Some helpful fluids include raw milk, Celsius and Boylan double Hardbodies — alcohol has the added benefit of being a social lubricant! Additionally, you may want to drink some water, but only in moderation, and only if it has not been sourced from the Dell. You don’t want any of that still water bacteria, now do you?
All told, the University can be a very scary place when it comes to sickness. However, with health research more robust than ever and an abundance of wellness champions to look up to, weathering flu season has never been easier — just stay away from those a cappella people!
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