I love "Law and Order" because it is, by far, the sexiest show on TV. The spin-off series, all 2,000 of them, try hard but fail to elicit as much teenage girl thrill as I get from the original. I mean the kind of thrill I get from seeing my favorite letters, B and J, which, combined, can be the most seductive pair of letters I've ever seen.
Yes, a little B&J is just what I need. More specifically, Ben and Jerry. I'm not talking about the inspirations for the Vermonster, which only a true beefy bot can eat on its own; rather, I mean the most attractive pair of men to hit prime time television since the original Batman and Robin from the 1800s.
Benjamin Bratt and Jerry Orbach were perhaps the best-looking men ever to be born in this century. Benjy, as I like to call him, has the tall, dark, handsome and brooding look that I am quite familiar with, thanks to countless hours of my youth spent perusing trashy romance novels, counting down the days until I turned 18. I can still imagine him riding into the sunset on the back of a stallion while Bette Midler serenades him, voicing my true feelings. Benjy, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Jerry, on the other hand, was the mature and distinguished older man. He reminded me of Ronald Reagan, not just because both are dead (God rest their souls, I'm a horrible person), but because both were male, were actors and had an indescribable charm about them. On the same presidential note, he also had a little bit of Bill Clinton about him: the smooth talker (and as a former intern I can attest to this) who is still regarded in Washington D.C. as a prime catch. Though all three men are old, and thus I am inexplicably physically attracted to them, it is Jerry who has the clear advantage. The man had a pretty big gun, and from what I could tell, he clearly knew how to use it.
Benjy and Jerry didn't make "Law and Order" a favorite for me based on looks alone. How shallow do you think I am? I felt as if I could relate to the experiences of their characters. They conveyed such raw emotion and pure passion through the television that at times I found myself feeling as if they were talking about me. For example, in one episode, Jerry Orbach's character has his reputation and career questioned by people who think he's too old for the job.
I know exactly how he felt because I went through that broad range of emotions when they first kicked me out of pediatrics. First it was denial, then rage, followed by depression and finally acceptance. It took me over a year, but for Jerry it was five seconds. Even though his face remained stoic, I could see it in his eyes. He was in pain and, feeling as if we were one, I was crying a little on the inside for him.
Benjy was, in more modern terms, a metrosexual. He always had slicked-back hair, he was clean-shaven, he had manicured nails and his belt always matched his shoes. He had that adorable smile, and I'd be willing to bet my life savings (all $4.27 of it) that he has had some work done, if you know what I mean. No man is born with cheekbones that high. He seemed to be the more sensitive of the two, the one who would go home at night and cry into his pillow or write poetry while listening to Dashboard Confessional. He was also the link to the minority community, stepping in to help coerce a witness or to pilfer evidence.
You might be surprised, but I too, am a minority. Occasionally I feel as if I am that link between people -- for example, my mother and the real world. If we're in a strange neighborhood in the middle of the night and she's beyond lost, I am the delegate sent to ask the woman on the corner for directions. She seems to like Benjy and Jerry too! I can tell because she carries their initials on a cardboard sign close to her heart.
Winnie's column runs bi-weekly on Wednesdays. She can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
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