With the summer sun on the horizon, I can finally start wearing my Astros mesh shorts as actual shorts again. While their year-round occupation as underwear serves as a good compromise between boxers' "bunch ups" and commando's vulnerability, no one can see the cool Astros logo when they're working full time behind the counter.
But sunny skies can also be a bad thing, for reasons other than the ever so popular "I swear I don't do anything at all when it's warm out" line you thought you were just about to read.
Those mesh shorts don't mesh at all with my George Costanza-sized wallet. Every time I break into my late-to-class light jog, I feel my pants falling down. Riding a bike down Rugby? Pants falling down. You try rolling around with the size-equivalent of a S.A.M.P. (Socially Acceptable Man Purse) in your pocket.
If correcting my plumber's butt was a pre-requisite to the dawn of "The Summer of Bayless," then the wallet had to be trimmed down.
Good decision, me.
One of the first things I pulled out of the shredded hemp interior was a wrinkled, frayed baseball card. Looking off in the distance and standing in his ready position was the "Double Zero" himself: Matt Moynihan.
But I implore you. Call him "FUBU."
Unlike Ryan Zimmerman, FUBU doesn't catch the eyes of Major League scouts. No one cares what FUBU will be doing on draft day as Matt Avery is teeing up. Does anyone ever wonder how FUBU's elbow feels after they've talked to Mike Ballard and Jeff Kamrath?
He lurks behind the scenes, doing the work that needs to be done before the first pitch can be thrown, day in and day out. Fifty-hour weeks, NCAA drug tests and the rigors of juggling class, sleep and ACC baseball -- FUBU anonymously goes through it all.
Oh, real quick. FUBU is Virginia's two-year starting student manager.
And by now, you're ready for the explanation of his name.
"Matt was always wearing those big jerseys, like Ruben from 'American Idol'," coach Kevin McMullan said. "Remember Ruben? He wore FUBU. So I said, 'Matt's like Ruben. Therefore, he's FUBU!'"
FUBU holds the keys to the kingdom in the eyes of Virginia players. Bats, gloves, Virginia baseball apparel -- Wait in line and kiss up to the student manager if that's what you're after.
"So, do you basically have control over the entire team?" I asked.
"Yeah, in a sense," he said.
Ballard described him as "basically a pimp in disguise." If he's referring to FUBU's ability to deliver the hook-up while wearing expensive Mitchell & Ness jerseys (he owns 35 of them), I'd say Ballard's right.
But the name "Coach Mac" coined is deceiving. If you didn't get the 2005 Virginia "Cavalier Sports Cards" team set handed out earlier this season, you have no idea how to envision what this Baltimore-native looks like. Let me push you in the direction I doubt you've taken in light of the Ruben comparison. Think less Ray Lewis and more Sidney Ponson.
Or is it the opposite?
"One day, I was wearing a Ray Lewis authentic purple jersey," FUBU said. "I take it off for practice and leave it in my locker. After practice, I'm walking back in, and Coach Mac comes running out of the coaches' room with the jersey on, wearing only tighty whities, yelling 'WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!' And I'm a big Ravens fan. For the rest of my life, whenever someone mentions Ray Lewis, all I'll be able to think about is Coach Mac."
We must protect this house? As if that Under Armour commercial didn't already trigger my automatic laughter response every time it ran. Now I'll have the image of Coach Mac, who FUBU speculates to weigh around 250 pounds, running around in my head as well.
FUBU is good at triggering automatic laughter responses himself. Laundry skills, or lack thereof, made for a big topic of conversation with teammates and coaches. A single incident at North Carolina A&T to open the 2004 season told me all I needed to know about coach Brian O'Connor's opinion of his student manager's home-making skills.
"Actually, he's only had to do laundry once," O'Connor clarified. "And he couldn't get the job done, so my wife had to do the pants at three o'clock in the morning."
Coach Mac then went below the belt.
"I guess that just proves that his mom has done his laundry his whole life," he said. "For each laundry mistake, we enact a two-candy bar penalty. That explains his fine athletic shape today."
Two-candy bar penalty? Good thing Mitchell & Ness makes 'em baggy.
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