Anyone who has seen the famous orgasm-over-lunch scene in "When Harry Met Sally" has some idea of what an orgasm sounds like -- a lot of moaning and ooh-ah-ing and some throaty screams -- but anyone familiar with the context of that famous scene also knows that Sally was faking. It does not mean everyone has been complimented (or duped in some cases) by a quality actress. It just means women think they are expected to have mind-blowing orgasms, and when they don't, some resort to faking -- which leaves many partners wondering, just what is the female orgasm, and how is it achieved?
Putting out the fireworks
Neda Owens, a therapist at the Charlottesville Sexual Health and Wellness Clinic, said the first thing she asks a female patient is what she thinks an orgasm will feel like, and many women say they are waiting for "the fireworks to appear." These high expectations are why some women do not realize they have had an orgasm.
Owens said it is important to know that orgasms are not the same for everyone. The duration and intensity depend on a variety of factors, such as sexual arousal and amount of stimulation. She added that some orgasms feel like very brief sensations in the vagina or uterus caused by muscle contractions, but they can be more than just physical sensations. Some women may cry or laugh after reaching orgasm.
This is referred as an "emotional orgasm," according to a 1976 study by sex educator Shere Hite. Hite describes the emotional orgasm as "strong feelings of closeness, yearning or exaltation" which some women experience during intercourse.
A common misconception is that women must have a vaginal orgasm. According to Hite, women feel the "cultural pressure to find intercourse more fulfilling," though a woman may find "a clitorally-stimulated orgasm without intercourse feels more intense."
She added that insisting women have vaginal orgasms "breeds recurring feelings of insecurity and anger."
Location, duration, stimulation
As per location, Owens said neither clitoral nor vaginal orgasms are better. An orgasm from one does not necessarily last longer than an orgasm from the other --it all depends on the level of arousal. She said her best advice was that "whatever works for you is fine."
For some women, however, orgasm can only be achieved through clitoral stimulation. But because no woman is exactly the same, no amount of research will be as effective as personal exploration.
According to third-year Commerce student "Rachel," who wished to remain anonymous, orgasms are "much more frequent with other forms [of stimulation] versus actual sex."
The Society of Obstetricians and Gynecologists of Canada estimates that one-third of women regularly climax during intercourse. Another one-third of women can climax from intercourse only after manual stimulation. The remaining third can only climax by manual stimulation or oral sex, never during intercourse.
Other factors may also come into play. Some antidepressants, such as Zoloft or Paxil, can cause women to lose their ability to reach orgasm or make reaching orgasm more difficult, according to Owens.
But is time a factor? One common myth about the female orgasm is that women need more stimulation than men.
"Women do not take longer to orgasm than men," Hite wrote. "The majority of the women in Kinsey's study masturbated to orgasm within four minutes, similar to the men in this study."
Relax and have fun
Hite found that some women "move a lot at orgasm, while others don't move at all." Women who are rigid and stiff were concerned they might "look strange and unattractive," which is a problem because this fear "inhibited some women from having orgasm."
The reverse is also true. According to Owens, some women have difficulty reaching an orgasm because they are afraid of losing control.
"You're very exposed when you reach orgasm," Owens said. In fact, "some women are afraid of making funny faces."
The feeling that partners need to perform can make sex more of a chore as couples try to work harder to improve it. Owens said one way to solve this problem is for couples to relax because, "the more relaxed they are, the easier it is to reach orgasm."
Some people feel the pressure to have an orgasm ruins the experience. "Orgasms are super, but so is sex," said third-year College student "Lindsay," who also wished to remain anonymous. "I think that people just get so caught up in the idea of having the orgasm that they forget to enjoy having sex."
Fakers be gone
Owens gave a few tips for women or couples having difficulty with orgasms. One technique is called "sensate focus exercises." These exercises involve focusing on sensations through touching and caressing but excluding the direct sexual stimulation. She said this is to learn how to enjoy other aspects not related to intercourse.
By faking an orgasm, a woman is preventing her partner from learning that she could be feeling unsatisfied, Owens said. She advised to let the other person know and "give the other person a chance to learn how you need to be stimulated."
But perhaps the most important skill in the bedroom is communication.
"You should be able to tell your partner what works for you," Rachel said. "That's better than faking, or else you'll be doing that forever. This way both people end up happy."
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