Lost," "The Office," "24," "Arrested Development," "Prison Break" ... What do all these shows have in common? They are entertaining, wildly addictive, available on DVD and ruining America's youth (myself included).
If you haven't watched these or any similar shows, you must have an angel watching over you. My only advice for you is that you sell your TV and remove your computer's DVD player to maintain this blissful ignorance. Pick up a hobby like chess or collecting french fries that look like former presidents. If you are in a room and you hear someone say, "Did you see that last episode of 'Lost'?" or "'24' is on tonight," leave immediately and take a cold shower.
It may sound harsh, but drastic measures are needed if one is to avoid these temptations. These shows are like cocaine, only they're measured in episodes instead of kilos and they're 10 times as addictive. Despite the similarities, I wouldn't advise grinding up season DVDs into a fine powder and snorting them in an attempt to watch episodes faster. Don't ask me how I know this is a bad idea, just don't do it.
The point is, once you're hooked you will waste days and even weeks watching DVDs, downloading entire seasons online and salivating over new episodes. For me, it has gotten to the point where I'm anxiously waiting for the day I can spend 18 hours watching an entire season of the same show in one sitting. Mondays have gone from my most dreaded day of the week to my most anticipated day of the week, thanks to "24" at 9 p.m. I won't even let myself watch a single episode of "Lost" -- I'd rather not lose 50 hours of my life to another show.
Early estimates are that the cost to this nation of a single season of "24"adds up to $1.8 trillion in lost work hours and medical costs for treating fans who suffer from withdrawal symptoms from episode to episode. When a nuclear bomb went off in the world of "24" a few weeks ago, the White House released a statement saying that the bomb would have been less devastating had it gone off in real life. George Bush then attempted to persuade the actor who portrays President Wayne Palmer to enforce stricter regulations on suspected terrorists.
The real story, however, is how these shows can have such a big effect on so many people in the first place. Let's face it, they are often repetitive, far-fetched and predictable. Watching an episode without knowing all the characters and the plot can be confusing and doesn't amount to the same experience. So, what makes these shows so appealing?
It's that they are good at making viewers feel that they are important. These shows instill in us a desire to know and understand the alternate universes they provide. They make us want to empathize with and relate to their characters. That's why I'm eagerly hoping Jim and Pam from "The Office" will one day be together and that Tom Lennox from "24" isn't killed for trying to save the president.
When a show makes the fate of its characters mean something to us, it can bring out a wide range of emotions in its viewers. This provides a refreshing change of pace from our own lives, where we sometimes need an escape from our mundane work and responsibilities.
The fact of the matter is that these shows are a little too good at getting their audiences hooked for our own good. That's why I'm urging you at home to limit the damage and avoid watching TV altogether. You're better off pretending prime time programming doesn't exist. After all, what you don't know can't hurt you.
As for me, there is no hope. I'll have to hit rock bottom before I ever recover. I'm going to spend the next few weekends cooped up in my room, catching up on earlier seasons of "24" and letting my brain rot. At least I'll be thoroughly entertained. After that, you know, maybe I will borrow those season one DVDs of "Lost" after all.
Daniel's column runs biweekly on Wednesdays. He can be reached at mcnally@cavalierdaily.com.
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