As romantic men and women, we value fidelity from our spouses and significant-others; we believe that if our boyfriends or girlfriends truly love us, they will remain faithful to us. As compelling an argument as this is, I have wholeheartedly come to disagree. This fallacy of love-conquers-all is not logical in my opinion, and so in my endeavor to understand why infidelity repeatedly occurs in exclusive relationships, I have developed a theory that fidelity and monogamy are not natural. Being faithful in a monogamous relationship is not inherent to human nature. I argue that fidelity and monogamy were initially imposed on humans by religious traditions such as Judeo-Christianity in the West and Hinduism in the East, and are now historical social constructs embedded in individual behavior.
As with any theory, there are fundamental problems with mine. For one, while we like having many conquests, it is not in our nature to share our toys. Jealousy binds us to acceptable behavior. In a cost-benefit analysis, a jealous person would rank exclusivity in his relationship over an open relationship.But where does one draw the line? At jealousy? At attachment? At love?
The most crucial component of my theory is based on my understanding of love. Romantic love is a social construct and not a chemical reaction. Romantic love is not natural, though it is very much a real feeling. Our understanding of romantic love and the responsibilities we attach to it, such as fidelity, have been shaped by more than two millennia of human experience. Defining true love as an eternal commitment is not a basic law of nature; rather it is a societal concept that developed over time. While we hope the feelings of love we have for our significant other are real, they, in my opinion, are not instinctual. Polygamy is biologically instinctual.To survive as a species, procreation with more than one mate is only logical. There is no lack of evidence of polygamy in many cultures. Polygamy has only recently gone out of practice.
Furthermore, love -- natural, real or not -- is not what conquers temptation. Many an enamored soul has faltered in his or her rosy-eyed relationship or marriage. It is conditioning and discipline, rather, that conquer the human instinct to mate in multiple numbers for biological reasons.
As I see it, monogamy was forced on our species by religions and economic circumstances (having more than one wife got to be a little expensive) and has been preached. Moreover, polygamy is not the most practical way of life. The financial costs in the traditional dynamic of one man with many wives and/or mistresses are excessive. Likewise, with the proportion of males to females relatively equal, the traditional male-dominated polygamous lifestyle for the rich would not be sustainable for purely economic reasons: If each man wants at least one mate, there will be males (arguably the poorest) left without a mate. In such a system, the wealthy would have to support a disproportionate percentage of the population (their offspring). Therefore, humans choose pragmatism over nature.
Why do we have such a hard time remaining faithful? Fidelity is not a natural characteristic of the human condition. While I think that open-relationships might be more natural, I do not advocate poly-amory (that is the practice of having more than one lover at one time) or polygamy. We are monogamists because thousands of years of practice have made us so. Jealousy and the conception of romantic love have made the tradition of monogamy a much easier practice on human nature. But who knows? Perhaps I'm just cynical.
Tarra Kohli is a Health & Sexuality columnist. She can be reached at Kohli@cavalierdaily.com
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