The school year is three weeks in and still my friends and I find ourselves struggling. Between arranging and rearranging schedules, still failing to show up to classes on time and negotiating dozens of poorly-worded online assignments, I end the week thankful for some relaxation time. Unfortunately, as soon as I leave my house, work begins anew. I'm talking, of course, about the complex and often puzzling courting that goes on in our generation.
The choices are almost endless: deciding among invites to frat parties, mixers and date functions, and the omnipresent bar scene on the Corner, there is enough sexual tension to embarrass Freud. Why should this be? Isn't our generation one that prides itself on sexual honesty and freedom? We may not be the condomless, flower-clad hippies of the 70s, but shouldn't we be able to wake up next to someone without days of careful planning and, even worse, use of "game"? The answer seems to be that we cannot.
The punishment our generation suffers for being able to talk openly about sex is that we're then forced to think about it constantly. Despite the common assumption that men do this anyway, the fact that society as a unit is following suit is disturbing and annoying. Even when one is looking to avoid any kind of sexual romantic relationship, it still has to be considered: Is this girl I'm dancing with going to try to make out with me? Is this guy I'm talking to at the gym staring down my shirt? Sex has become an open book in our world, and the more open we become the more trapped we are.
A useful question to ask at this point would be which came first, the openness about sex or the roles we play that cause this openness? In fact, both chicken and egg emerged slowly, feeding off one another. Despite the fact that pop culture loves to promote free thinking, it is much easier to fulfill set roles in life; in fact, some proponents of the behavioral concept of functioning believe that personality is a biproduct of set behavioral patterns within a society. These patterns can be adopted and altered, and usually through reinforcement, the most "successful" one wins (i.e. the one that brings the most benefits to the enactor).
Psychobabble aside, all I'm trying to convey here is that when society leads us down a road, it's easiest to follow it. Think for a moment: Is it easiest to go to a random party, have a few drinks and dance with someone until you either make out with them, go home by yourself or find another target? Or would you rather openly discuss your feelings, intentions, wants, needs and desires with every new guy or girl you're interested in? Which approach do you think would be most successful?
This isn't to say that being open and honest isn't good; in fact, it's the healthiest possible option. At this point in time, though, our society -- through portrayals of celebrity lifestyles and hedonism as an ideal -- tells us time and time again that the best way to find someone is through random hookups.
Now that we know this, another question presents itself: Why do we let this happen? Can we do anything to stop it? Am I going to share the secret to getting laid without being exactly like everyone else? Why can't I just go up to a decent-looking girl or guy at a bar and ask her/him to sleep with me? As for the secret, I can't divulge that information; however, if you are an attractive female and want to help me walk my dog, e-mail me. As for why the direct approach doesn't work, I've been searching for that answer for years. We're told from some authority figures since birth to be ashamed of our sex drives and to keep those thoughts behind closed doors. Conversely, the other figures we look up to love to show off their sexuality. The result is a bizarre culture of codes and cryptic conversations that convey everything while meaning nothing. The simple fact that "game" is a constant issue of topic, as well as very necessary to an active sex life (but completely inexplicable), reinforces this idea entirely. As for making things less sexual here and there, the first step is to stop worrying. Most importantly, be willing to go against the societal norms in the hopes of a better end result. Instead of being Mr. Frat and sauntering into chemistry with a lavender polo shirt with a popped collar and inviting Ms. Sorority to your badass party Friday, see if you actually like her. When Mr. Frat plops down next to you and crosses his seersucker-clad legs and asks if you want to come hang out at his frat, ask yourself if you think he's cool because he's interesting, or because society is telling you he is. Either that, or try the direct approach. If everyone goes around asking each other to "get it on," eventually it will become socially acceptable, and we can quit with all this fluff about caring what other people have to say.
Beau Griffith is a Cavalier Daily Health & Sexuality columnist. He can be reached at griffith@cavalierdaily.com.
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