This Sunday (or by the time this column runs, last Sunday) is Super Bowl Sunday. It is the day for "The Big Game," as it is called by anyone who doesn't want to get sued for encroaching on the NFL's most sacred and treasured trademark. The days leading up to it are an exciting time, as the country prepares itself for the TV event of the year and the countless hangovers and upset stomachs that result Monday morning.
Those days are also a time for people to make predictions. Maybe you're from New York, and you think the Giants are going to stick it to the Patriots Sunday. Maybe you have a crush (man-crush?) on Tom Brady and you just can't see any way the Patriots could lose such an important game. Whatever side you choose, what better way is there to put your money where your mouth is than by wagering on an online sports betting site?
Trust me, it's fun. Not only can you bet on which team will win and by how much, you can also bet on which quarterback will throw more touchdowns, how many field goals will be attempted and whether Brandon Jacobs will gain at least 3.5 yards on his first carry. Heck, you can even bet on whether the coin toss will come up heads or tails, and because people are idiots, you will actually be given better odds to bet on tails than on heads. No doubt, thousands of degenerate gamblers will bet on heads regardless of that fact.
I'm just kidding about the wagering thing. The legality of online sports betting is up in the air, and the whole thing is stupid in the first place. (If you need proof, read my previous statement about getting better odds to bet on tails than heads.) Besides, there is no such thing as an air-tight prediction about Super Bowl Sunday. That is, besides the following predictions I made about Super Bowl Sunday, which I can assure you are as air-tight as they are predictable:
1. There will be at least one girl watching with you who is way too into the game. She will shriek with delight every time her favored team gains yardage and will say things like "Tom Brady is soooo cute, I wish I could see his tight end." Ironically, if it weren't for U.Va. home football games, she wouldn't be able to tell a tight end from a defensive end.
2. There will be at least one guy watching with you whose only concern related to the NFL is fantasy football. He will celebrate with glee every time his fantasy player gains yardage and will say things like "Dude, next year I'm picking Tom Brady first overall." Ironically, if it weren't for Yahoo Fantasy Sports, he wouldn't be able to tell a rushing yard from a receiving yard.
3. Things will be business as usual everywhere else in the world on Super Bowl Sunday. The next morning, someone browsing the Internet in France will say, "Qui est Tom Brady?"
4. Contrary to the title of this column, the Browns will not be in the Super Bowl, nor will they ever be. Fun fact: The Cleveland Browns franchise was resurrected in 1999 only to bring back the popular euphemism for going number two.
5. The opening kickoff will not be talked about the next day. The commercials following the opening kickoff, however, will be the subject of 8,983,205 water cooler conversations and 547,192 blog posts.
6. Peyton Manning will be on television during the Super Bowl for longer thaneither Tom Brady or Peyton's younger brother, Elisha. I'm not talking about Peyton appearing during the game, of course, but rather that he will have a starring role in roughly two-thirds of all commercials.
7. Elisha? Isn't that a girl's name? Don't you mean Eli? No, I don't actually. Look it up.
There you have it. Air-tight predictions for the Super Bowl. Since it's already Tuesday by now, you should be able to nod in agreement with each one of them. Except for maybe the last one about Elisha, for which raised eyebrow would probably be more appropriate. Now if you'd excuse me, I just got a hunch as to which team will win Sunday's coin toss, and I have some important online bets to make.
Dan's column runs biweekly Tuesdays. He can be reached at mcnally@cavalierdaily.com.
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