I just got an e-mail from Craig Littlepage. He unfortunately is stuck with cleaning duty at Scott Stadium all day — something about the janitorial staff refusing to pick up so many large pieces of white paper — so he’s appointed me Virginia’s athletic director until he’s done. Pay attention, I’m rolling in some changes.
First off, that ridiculous sign ban at Virginia events is history. Signs are now encouraged, and we’ll be working with our corporate sponsors to try and get free signs handed out to everyone who sits in the student section. Also, a giant banner reading “Signs Welcome” will be hung a little bit beneath the scoreboard for the rest of the year as the athletic department’s admission that the ban was wrong.
Next, Al Groh is fired. Sorry bud, this ain’t 2007. Chris Long and Jameel Sewell aren’t here to bail you out. Winning a lot of games with a bad team might get you the ACC Coach of the Year award, but it still leaves you with a bad team, which is not what we here at Virginia are looking for.
In trying to fill the vacancy, our first choice is the NFL legend and parent of a current Virginia football player, Darrell Green. It makes sense: He’s in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, so obviously he knows what it takes to make it on the next level, something good recruits look for. Next, he’s a beacon of good character and good decisions, something our football program could use right now. Green also is loyal, committed and patient. He stuck with one pro team for his whole 20 years, through good seasons and bad. Plus, he’s Darrell Green. Everybody likes him. We’d out-recruit most teams in the ACC every year.
I also mentioned Chris Long. The Virginia athletic department henceforth bans him from appearing in any TV commercials for Cavalier sporting events after that embarrassing “Power of Orange” performance from the beginning of this football season.
Next on the agenda is that mission statement and list of goals of the athletic department, which can be found on Virginia’s sports Web site. Right now, it totals 283 words of hogwash and buzzwords. It is hereby replaced with this slightly simpler mantra: “Beat the Hokies.”
My next move as athletic director is to make the rule that any fan who attends an away game for which they have to buy a ticket can get an automatic upgrade in seating at the next home game. All they have to do is present a receipt and a ticket stub. The good, loyal fans need to be rewarded.
But that’s not the only fan incentive I’m putting into place. From now on, any fan who wears orange body paint to a game gets a free T-shirt and half off concessions for the game.
The next item on my agenda is to officially retire the No. 44 men’s basketball jersey in honor of Sean Singletary, like it should have been at the end of last season.
By decree, “Living on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi is now the official rally song of the Cavaliers and must be played at any sporting event when Virginia needs to pull a quick turnaround in order to win. In dire circumstances, “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey should also be used.
Signs reading in large font, “The game’s not over until the buzzer sounds and you hear the ‘Good Ol’ Song’” will soon be placed above every exit of every University of Virginia venue. Especially Scott Stadium. I’m tired of seeing people file to the exits halfway through the third quarter.
Student-athletes who graduate with at least a 3.5 GPA while making their sport’s all-conference team at least once gets free food from Mellow Mushroom, courtesy of the Virginia Athletics Foundation, for the rest of their lives. They earned it.
It is henceforth decided that no football season ticket holders will have to give up their seats ever again. Donors are no longer allowed to buy their way toward the first row on the 50-yard line. The Stalcup Regime of Virginia athletics judges loyalty based on commitment and time and cheering decibels, not number of digits on a check to the Athletic Foundation.
Every Virginia sports team shall be required to show the movie “Hoosiers” before the first practice of every season.
The Snyder Tennis Center is hereby renamed the Somdev Devvarman Tennis Center.
My next act as a commissioner is to form a committee to find musicians who wish to perform the national anthem at sporting events. I’m tired of hearing the same recording of the marching band at every non-televised event. I’m sure we have enough musical talent around Grounds to hear someone new every game.
And while we’re talking about the national anthem, anybody who shouts “HOOS!” at the line “Whose broad stripes...” will be ejected from the game. That’s tacky and unpatriotic and ripped from a Baltimore Orioles tradition. Three bad things.
My next act is to take the $16 million donated to the Virginia Athletics Foundation so far this year and buy a large pizza with two toppings from Pizza Hut for each of my friends, along with a 2-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper and a side order of... oh, hi, Mr. Littlepage, good to see you made it back so quickly. No, no, nothing too much happened while you were gone. I’ll let you take over from here.
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