The ‘90s hit song “Popular” by Nada Surf set out the rules for breaking up in a clear-cut manner:
“Don’t put off breaking up when you know you want to / Prolonging the situation only makes it worse / Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly / Don’t make a big production / Don’t make up an elaborate story / This will help you avoid a big tear-jerking scene ... ”
If only it were that easy. There are guidelines for how a healthy breakup should ensue, but in modern society, these guidelines often pave the road less traveled — also known as the high road. There are a few things to keep in mind, however, when it seems your life is headed for the wilderness: People have been through the same thing before, and there are definite steps you can take to make sure a breakup is just a bump in the road — and not an 18-wheeler blindsiding you.
Breakups usually cause a whirlwind of varying emotions for both parties. Matt Zimmerman, a clinical psychologist at Counseling and Psychological Services, said it is typical for the dumper to feel guilt and concern for the other person’s welfare. The dumper may also feel ambivalent, asking himself or herself, “Is this really what I want to do?” The person being dumped often feels anger, a sense of betrayal and confusion. He or she also often feels despair — it is as if a part of them is now missing.
Mutual breakups, however, while sad, make the process of letting go easier for both parties. First-year College student Carter Haughton said she and her boyfriend agreed that once college started, they would be too far apart to continue their relationship.
“We both felt sadness but also excitement to go to college and meet a bunch of new people. It made it easier to be friends,” Haughton said, noting she and her boyfriend began speaking again in no time. She even brought his sweatshirt with her to college.
Breaking up can be especially painful, though, when cheating causes the relationship to end. Zimmerman said this can make the anger and sense of betrayal much more intense, as the person who was being cheated on will ask, “What did I miss?” and blame himself or herself.
“Forgiveness requires the person who cheated to recognize how deeply they hurt the other person,” Zimmerman said. “And then the person who was hurt may be able to appreciate more about their partner — maybe they were going through a phase or aspects of their relationship were unhealthy.”
Getting back on track after a breakup is hard. In fact, Zimmerman said, grieving a breakup is in some ways more difficult than grieving a death because the other person chose to leave.
“The process is quite individual,” Zimmerman said. “It requires a balance. You want to maintain routine — to the point that you can tolerate it — so the loss does not snowball into something larger.” Zimmerman said to move through a loss of this kind, one needs to break associations. This can be incredibly difficult at first, though; hanging out with old mutual friends and watching movies you loved together can seem torturous. “Over time, these things will start to feel pleasant again,” Zimmerman said. “If you completely avoid these things, this can’t happen.”
Second-year College student Matt Miller said that since his most recent breakup — which involved a “really epic” fight — he has managed to deal with his old routine, which involves hanging out with old mutual friends and seeing his ex from time to time in social settings.
“We’re in the same settings a lot, but we have set rules and boundaries for how we act in public,” Miller said. “We’re cordial to each other.”
But for someone who has just exited a relationship, what can be done to rebuild a life and move toward this kind of resolution? A first step can be to take off those sweats and hit the shower. “Physical self-care is of the essence,” said Zimmerman, which includes adequate sleep, nutrition and exercise. Heavily indulging in drugs and alcohol also will not promote healthy recovery, even if it is not part of a long-term trend. Another step should be to find social support, Zimmerman noted.
“Identify one person who can listen to you,” Zimmerman said, “not necessarily give advice.” Having a listener around can be more valuable than someone with a bunch of quick-fix ideas.
“Feedback about meeting someone new or making negative comments about the ex are counterproductive,” Zimmerman said. “The person will respond emotionally by wanting to defend their ex — this gets in the way of healthy grieving.”
For some relationships it can be difficult to overcome the material objects that linger — perhaps typified by the image of the ex’s things stowed away in a box under a bed. Zimmerman said keeping these mementos actually is not a bad idea.
“In the short term,” he said, it’s usually better not to have so many reminders around, but it can be a mistake to destroy things. You may regret that decision when those memories become pleasant again.”
Aside from the temptation to destroy objects that belonged to an ex, some people may also take the approach of a short-term “rebound” relationships. Zimmerman cautioned that these relationships generally are not as beneficial as some people would like to think.
“We all know that grieving well and healthily allows us to have more healthy relationships in the future,” he said. When such a short-term approach is taken, those involved are “less likely to experience personal growth.”
Another complication can occur when one person leaves someone, only to go back to them in a matter of weeks. Zimmerman said this situation occurs because those two people have come to rely primarily on each other for emotional support.
“There is a susceptibility to seek out support from each other about the feelings surrounding the breakup — it’s quite paradoxical,” Zimmerman said, “and that’s why it becomes a cycle.” He suggested that to end the cycle, it is required that one or both partners “appreciate giving up short-term comfort for long-term benefit.”
So when is it appropriate to enter a new relationship? Zimmerman said the criterion should be “once it feels like another relationship is going to heighten or better your life instead of fill a hole.”
Judith Viorst writes in “Necessary Losses” that “we are separate people constrained by the forbidden and the impossible, fashioning our highly imperfect connections. We live by losing and leaving and letting go.” Keep that in mind the next time you’re glued to the couch consuming gallons of Ben & Jerry’s while watching “Best Week Ever.” Things will get better if you let them.
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