During Winter Break, two important things happened to me.
First, I played a lot of foosball. If you don’t think this is important, you have not seen foosball at the Stalcup household. It is intense and emotional and runs in marathon sessions.
I have played that great American sport of foosball at my house before, but never like this winter. It seems that in the weeks between Fall Break and Winter Break, a fever swept through the household. When I walked through my front door, I was greeted not with hugs and a nice meal, as I was expecting, but with a glare in my brother’s eye that I would come to know means one thing: To the basement. It’s on.
The second important thing that happened to me during Winter Break was getting my fall semester grades. Let’s just say they were not so hot. The grade I got in one of my advanced math classes, without giving too much away, begins with a D and ends with a plus.
And so my holiday break consisted of alternating stretches of high-adrenaline foosball action and serious soul searching to figure out exactly what habits of mine led to my academic demise.
One recommendation I received to help me improve my study habits was to read motivational literature. What a great idea! The solution to my studying woes certainly isn’t something elegant and simple, like making sure I attend class, studying hard for exams and keeping on top of homework. No, all of the answers were in a book claiming it would, for just a small cover price — and possibly the price of an extra seminar — help me unlock the most true version of myself.
As the break continued, something bizarre happened. The foosball part of my brain and the motivation part of my brain started overloading and overlapping subconsciously in my mind. I started shouting “synergize!” whenever I scored a goal and whenever I assured my parents that I was on my way to better study habits, my wrists would involuntarily start flicking.
And so here I am to present you the result of those colliding impulses: a 9-step program to help you achieve true foosball success.
Step 1: Practice makes perfect.
You may think the process of hitting a small ball between a series of tiny plastic men is all fun and games but, I assure you, it is not. You must play foosball like I eat fried chicken: often, aggressively and with disregard for the consequences. Note: Consequences of foosball include less socializing. Consequences of consuming excessive chicken include cardiac arrest.
Step 2: Spinners never win.
If you want the ball to end up in your opponent’s goal, you must put it there. To do so, you need control. A sharp flick of the wrist can send the ball rolling as fast as a spin would, and you can actually aim the direction of the ball if you take a controlled, non-spun shot.
Step 3: Defense wins championships.
The old football adage holds. Learn to stop the ball from going into your own goal if you want it to end up in your opponent’s. Keep a player on one of your defensive lines directly in front of the ball whenever it’s on your side of the table.
Step 4: A good pass is better than a great shot.
The key to getting the ball into your opponent’s net is less about how you hit the ball and more about what happens to the ball right before you hit it. Even something simple like knocking the ball from one guy on a line to another guy on the line can throw off the position and timing of a defense.
Step 5: The Simpson Shot.
Also known as a “face” or a “who’s your daddy,” The Simpson Shot is an essential part of any foosball expert’s toolbox. It’s simple: When your opponent hits the ball to you, immediately hit it back right in his or her face before he or she has a chance to respond. Practice it for a while, and, before you know it, flicking your defenders at any incoming shot becomes habit.
Step 6: Use synergy
Not much is known about the concept of “synergy.” What we do know is that every life-coach and inspirational speaker lists it as a key to success. Some believe it has something to do with teamwork and cooperation. Others say it was invented because “The Six Habits of Highly Successful People” just doesn’t have a catchy ring. Regardless of its true meaning, the term is now a staple of any success book in any field, and thus is probably important in foosball, too.
Step 7: Make loud noises.
Groaning, moaning and shouting profanities are all encouraged foosball practices. They get you pumped up for the game and psych out your opponent immediately.
Step 8: Create a goal dance.
Implement the previous seven steps, and you will begin to see your foosball effectiveness increase at a tremendous pace. A time will come when you can consistently hold an advantage over anyone who dares to challenge you. Be ready for this moment by having an elaborate and obnoxious dance prepared.
Feel free to choreograph whatever moves you want for your goal dance, as long as they serve the purpose of rubbing your skill and greatness in your opponent’s face. The only other condition for the goal dance is that it must include the robot.
Note: One acceptable use of the goal dance is running upstairs and doing it in front of everyone when you shut out your brother 10-0 for the first time.
Step 9: Remember what’s important.
If the legends like Cal Ripken, Jr., Jackie Robinson and Art Monk have taught us anything about sports, it’s that class and respect are more important than winning.
Foosball, however, is the one exception. You must be cut-throat, sneaky and dirty. All varieties of trick serves are encouraged, as are excessive name-calling and trash talk. It’s about getting into the zone and keeping your opponent out of it.
Take these tenets of foos-wisdom and bring them with you to whatever foosball tables you might travel, and you will reap the benefits. For these principles are timeless and their success is guaranteed.
Now that Winter Break has ended, though, I need to put all of the foosball stuff to rest so I can focus on my academics. After all, the big lesson I learned from all of this was less about foosball and more about accomplishing the important tasks and setting myself up for success, right?
As if.
See you all in the Newcomb Game Room!
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