The other day I felt like doing something completely crazy. I guess I was sort of in an emo mood because I wanted to do something that would leave me stunned, confused and in desperate need of some soul searching. So I decided to attend a Virginia men’s basketball game.
One half was all I needed. After witnessing the Cavaliers score just six buckets en route to a 20-point half-time deficit, I was ready to go home and pray to the basketball gods for forgiveness. But as I was standing at the concession stand, emptying my wallet to pay for a sandwich that probably wouldn’t fill up a newborn insect, I came to a profound realization: our basketball team is not the worst thing this school has to offer. Allow me to present to you a list, the Top 10 Things Worse than Our Men’s Basketball Team.
10. Concession Stands at John Paul Jones Arena
It turns out our basketball team isn’t even the worst thing in JPJ. The last time I visited one of these money-grubbing food stands, I paid six bucks for two thin slabs of semi-frozen ham on a bun. And when I asked them for water, they asked me for $3.50, at which point I asked them to go stuff themselves.
9. The Trolley
I only say this because I have a personal vendetta against it. Every time I am in desperate need to ride it, the driver invariably informs me that the trolley is full and can’t fit any more passengers. Other times I arrive at the bus stop only in time to see it pulling away. At this point the driver usually rolls down his window and taunts me with something like, “See you in 15 minutes, you sack of lard!”
8. Parking
At certain God-forsaken hours of the morning, my alarm clock (see “10 Things I Want to Sever with a Rusty Oversized X-Acto Knife”) has a nasty habit of premeditated panic attacks, which I deftly counter with a series of s-words, followed by a firm spanking of ye olde snooze button. Unfortunately, this complicated ritual inevitably leads to my waking up 10 minutes before class. This is a problem because I live way out in a largely uninhabited solitary confinement center (Gooch/Dillard) several hundred furlongs from Central Grounds. Because of my trolley issues, I must either walk (HA!) or drive to class. As a result of my God-given laziness and car-possessing abilities, I choose to drive. Unfortunately, Mr. Jefferson, in designing U.Va.’s campus, went to great efforts to prevent students from finding any reasonable places to park. Thus, I am consistently forced to park in inconspicuous places, such as the Old Cabell basement or on the Lawn.
7. The Cavalier Daily
I refer here, of course, to the paper that will see an imminent and soon-to-be-infamous writer’s strike, which I am hereby initiating. There has been a well-documented dearth of income to Cavalier Daily biweekly columnists over the years. I mean, here we are, busting our butts two days a month, and how many Benjamins do we have to show for it? ZERO. Not even a Jackson, for that matter. Or a Washington, or even a lousy, good-for-nothing, emancipation-proclamating Lincoln. Editor-in-Chief Andrew Baker and his fellow highfalutin goobers better watch out, ‘cause they’re about to get slapped with a federal lawsuit so earth-shattering and media-hogging that it will make the economic crisis look like a tutu-wearing bunny rabbit on crack. Don’t ask me what that means. Even if I knew, I wouldn’t tell you.
6. Gooch/Dillard
I’m sorry, beloved resident advisors and fellow stadium-dwellers, I know we have an unmarked graveyard and all, but the fact is we’re lonely, we’re isolated and we look like a mental institution mixed with a correctional facility. And I’m tired of having a different zip code from the rest of the University.
5. Al Groh’s Turtleneck Sweatshirts
The public image of our football team isn’t pretty, largely because of its coach’s fashion sense.
4. Old Cabell Hall
With its lack of modern supplies (they’ve been using the same chalk since 1968) and its primitive features, I feel like I’m walking down the hallway of an inner-city middle school rather than a prestigious college. And when you compare it to other nearby buildings, it’s clear that the differences are downright discriminatory. Trust me, fellow English majors, check out Rouss Hall sometime. Not only is it equipped with computers and dry-erase boards, but it also has fancy chairs, a sky-roof, flat-screens and outdoor gardens. Not fair.
3. Student Health Center
Since I was blessed with a perfect, sickness-immune body, I’ve never been in there, but I hear it’s full of sick people, has slow service and is prone to sticking people with needles.
2. The University Bookstore
I paid $200 for a math textbook that I will probably only use once every nuclear holocaust. ’Nuff said. Note: Please don’t chide me for such a wasteful purchase. I suffer from an all-too-common mental disorder called stupidity. And yes, this also explains why I live in the correctional facility.
1. Thomas Jefferson
Just kidding! Everyone knows TJ is the greatest person since Washington.
Nick’s column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at n.eilerson@cavalierdaily.com.
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