This one's for you, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, swing-music-bumpin', hula-hoop-totin' first-year students. This is your day. It was destined to be since the moment you received your acceptance letter, what now seems like oh-so-many months ago.\nNow that you've gone over all your outfits with fine-toothed combs and lint rollers, and now that your parents have bought you every even remotely useful item with dear-old blue and orange on it, it's finally your time to shine, to hit the ground runnin', to bring the fire, give 'em the cheese, and ... oh, you get the point.\nYet the question remains, how will YOU make your mark? Well, it just so happens that you have a seasoned veteran's advice before you today. I can tell you EXACTLY how to make this year count, so read carefully:\n1. Guys, go meet every girl in your building. Don't think. Just do it. Girls, pretend to have no interest in any of the guys meeting you. This will make them want you more. A little game of cat and mouse, you see? We guys love that. Thrill of the hunt and what not.\n2. Un-pop all your collars. We've got a reputation for that and I think we've really seen the numbers decline in recent years. Don't be a Judas Iscariot.\n3. Get your roommate's cell phone number. I really thought I had all of my bases covered and then this one came along and hit me square in the chest when we were halfway through second semester and had no means to contact each other. You might be thinking to yourselves that I must be an idiot for forgetting something so basic. So pivotal. So unforgettable. Go ahead and laugh. That's the ego talking. We'll see who's Bush League once the hands are dealt.\n4. This one was also meant to be part of number one but I've only just remembered it and so must say to immediately break up with your "high school sweetheart," should you have one. I know it's hard. They're just so darn cute. They will also bring the wildfires of disappointment upon when you realize you've been wasting precious weekend hours going long distance for someone who you've only just now realized doesn't really mean it when she says she loves the White Sox. Deal breaker city.\n5. Get a month membership to Sam's Club and clean every shelf they have that carries Chef Boyardee products. It might not be the tastiest food, but you can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you get what you need.\n6. Take a shower everyday. That might be one of the more important pieces of advice that you can take into your second, third, and even fourth years.\nWhile I've got a bushel full of other key points about how to have the greatest first year in the history of first years, I've got a word limit to work with and to be honest I'm just not all that sure I want to let you in on the most important parts.\nSo when all of the upperclassmen drive by and scream, "FIRST YEAARRRSSS" and the line at O-Hill gets far too long and your roommate strips down naked and sits on your bed next to you while he's sleepwalking, remember that every one of us would be a liar if we said we wouldn't kill to be in your shoes. So hold your chest a little higher, your collars a little lower and breathe easy knowing that you are about to be in for one of the best, craziest, wildest rides on which you have ever been. It only happens once in a lifetime.\n* Pledge: On my honor, I swear that every piece of advice is certified to definitely maybe be true and work flawlessly. Except the bit about you not being able to make mistakes. That's definitely not true. Take a law class for that.
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