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Curious conversations

I've always wondered what goes on at football practice. I learned a lot from Saturday's game against TCU.

It starts off with coach Al Groh explaining to his punt returners, "OK, guys, listen - I don't care if you're inside the two-yard line - whatever you do, don't make a decision until the LAST second. We want to keep all our options open."

Sophomore Chase Minnifield nods in approval.

"Yeah, yeah, listen, coach. Can we just go over that fair catch thing -"

- "CHASE, Chase. Just remember one thing: Last second - if you don't know what you're going to do, the defense won't either. It's basic physics - Newton's second law. Got it?"

Taking this advice to heart, Minnifield calls for a fair catch on his first punt return of the game, stranding quarterback Jameel Sewell and the Virginia offense on their own three-yard line. A typical three-and-out drive ensues. Alas! He gets another opportunity with 5:08 left in the first quarter. In an effort to keep the defense - or himself - off-guard, Minnifield decides to run away from the 10-yard line (manageable, but not ideal field position), allowing the ball to drop and tumble all the way to the familiar Virginia three-yard line. Practice makes perfect.

Groh now moves on to the quarterbacks.

"Jameel, you threw three interceptions last week against *school that shall not be named.* We're gonna need you to never throw the ball again, at least not until the fourth quarter of a completely unsalvageable game."

"Got it, coach. So I'm just gonna run it -"

- " EXACTLY, Jameel, exactly. I don't care if we're down 14-0 to a bunch of frogs. You will run the ball. I am NOT putting Verica in, capisce?"

"Yeah, yeah, coach. I'm your man. Just one question - should I run straight into the defensive line, or try to cut back to the right -"

- "ANYWHERE. Run anywhere, Jameel. I AM NOT PUTTING VERICA IN."

Sure enough, Sewell keeps the ball for seven carries in the first quarter - which, barring the act of divine intervention that spurred a 29-yard burst down the sideline, would have resulted in a horridly mediocre 10 yards. Through three quarters, he rushed the ball 17 times for a net gain of only 47 yards. Third downs were as predictable as they were pathetic. By the 4:39 mark in the fourth quarter (the logical place to stop counting stats - with the score 30-0, the game was finished; those two Virginia touchdowns came against second-stringers and TCU townies), he had only attempted two passes on 12 third downs. Sewell, or some other version of his incompetent self (running backs Mikell Simpson and Rashawn Jackson come to mind), ran the ball on the 10 other third down occasions, converting only two of them for firsts.

Not only does this lack of execution point to a serious problem in Virginia's running game, it also brings into question offensive coordinator Gregg Brandon's play-calling. I'd like to see this playbook - just to make sure it actually exists. What has been heralded as a breakthrough in the way humanoids conceive of the world, a literary masterpiece and more simply, an effective design for coordinating a football team, has been reduced to a fable about why the sky is blue, a formulaic two-play system: quarterback keeper or five-yard pass play.

When it is aware to everyone with an IQ higher than that of seaweed that Sewell will not or cannot throw the ball downfield, it is rather difficult to fool a defense - especially one as strong as TCU's, which ranked first in overall defense in the nation last season - with short screens and passes that rarely flirt with first down territory. Even Groh seemed to have had enough. After the game, he took responsibility for the highly entertaining fake-punt Virginia attempted with 5:25 remaining in the first half.

"In retrospect, I think that was a poor decision on my part - it had the same effect as a turnover," Groh said. "We really hadn't generated anything close to making us think we're gonna get any points offensively. So, the thought was to try to generate some field position and some movement and maybe turn that into some points."

There's nothing wrong with getting creative. I think, perhaps, the previous play - third down and four - provided the perfect opportunity to pull the trigger on one of Brandon's alleged golden gadgets. Instead, Brandon called another predictable quarterback keeper, and Sewell was tackled after a two-yard gain to the 50-yard line.

Indeed, the Cavaliers' reluctance to pass the ball until the game was well out of reach was truly remarkable. It may have had something to do with last week's practice.

Groh approaches the offensive line.

"Guys, guys, good players make good plays."

Senior right tackle Will Barker smiles.

"I'm a good player, right -"

- "WILL, my friendly red-haired giant. Good players ... make GOOD plays."

"Right, but what about that TCU left end, Hughes - "

- "AND GOOD TEAMS, good teams are the ones that have those good players."

With this sage advice in mind, the Cavalier front four proceeded to self-destruct in ways that would make former (or so they say) offensive coordinator Mike Groh proud. The line welcomed Jerry Hughes and Co. with open arms. 'Please, sack our quarterback,' seemed to be the strategy. To characterize the line as porous would really be giving it too much credit - it would suggest that the linemen actually stood in front of the defensive line for a second or two, and then just stepped aside when the ball was snapped. No, no - that never happened. I saw a quarterback pressured on virtually every play. And for all the difficulty Sewell had throwing and running the ball, it must have required tremendous courage to even line up under that nonexistent center. The bottom line is this: seven first downs, eight sacks. No further analysis is needed.

"Giving up that many sacks, especially coming off the year we did last year - leading the ACC in sacks allowed - it was just protection break down," Barker said. "We just couldn't execute."

The offensive line is an easy scapegoat for the bombshell Virginia dropped Saturday, and it certainly deserves plenty of credit for leading an offense that was essentially counterproductive. But I'll point to a few other glaring mistakes that take home honorable mention awards for embarrassing the University.

How about that impeccable two-minute drill Sewell orchestrated at the end of the first half? Staring at the sideline ... staring ... a little more staring, then, after wasting a solid 30 seconds waiting for the play-call, Sewell dropped back into the arms of Hughes, who sacked the quarterback to end the half. Trailing 14-0 with the play clock dwindling and the ball at midfield, a few passing plays were probably warranted. Sewell only got off one.

How about those two dropped balls on kick-off returns? The number of times Ras-I Dowling got beat downfield? If the TCU receivers haul in a couple more very catchable balls, this game is finished at halftime. And, lest I forget, the fall of CavMan from his high-horse. Bad omens and bad plays across the board left Sewell understandably somber after the game.

"I'm not gonna predict any wins or anything," Sewell said.

Don't worry, Jameel. I'm not going to, either.

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