“I’ve been sexually assaulted.”
Hearing those words from someone you care about can be devastating, and it can be difficult knowing how to react or what to do to help. But as a sexual assault survivor’s confidante, it is important to be deliberate and thoughtful in how you help a friend cope.
The following is advice from members of One in Four, an all-male organization dedicated to sexual assault awareness, and One Less, an all-female advocacy and support group. These words are meant to offer guidance to help you help a friend who is handling what comes after. Though the victim is referred to as a woman below, it is important to note that 10 percent of sexual assault victims are male.
1. Accept her story as truth
“The most important thing you can do [for a survivor] is believe her,” said third-year Commerce student Brian Head, One in Four’s Co-Outreach Chair. “If someone comes to me and [confides] in me they have been sexually assaulted and I don’t believe them, then that just shuts them off completely from sharing anything else or with anyone else. [They] internalize it, which is terrible.”
2. Get her away from a dangerous situation
If a friend is still in an unsafe situation, urge her to leave as soon as possible. Offer to stay with her or have her stay with you. If the assault just occurred, strongly advise your friend to go to the hospital, or take her yourself. There, she can be treated for any injuries and evidence can be collected via a rape kit, which is an essential tool if she wishes to press charges in the future. Understand how overwhelming this would all seem in that moment, and help her process it.
3. In the coming days, weeks and months, offer nonjudgmental support
“Avoid asking any question about what she was wearing, how much she had to drink or what she said to him before the incident,” said One Less Co-President Staige Davis, a fourth-year College student. “It sounds accusatory.”
4. Create distractions
A traumatic assault experience may cause a survivor to be uncomfortable at parties, concerts or other raucous events. Davis suggests finding different ways to have fun, like going out to dinner or to the movies, but warns against allowing your relationship to be defined by the incident. The focus should be on helping your friend enjoy herself in an environment in which she feels safe.
5. When she’s ready to talk, listen
Asking open-ended questions about the things on her mind and how she’s feeling can help get the conversation started. And when your friend is ready to talk, let her.
“Talk less and listen more, [because] it’s not about you — it’s about them sharing their story,” Head said.
6. Support her decisions
Some survivors may want to press charges against their attackers, and others may not. Your job is to not determine that, despite what you feel would be the best course of action.
Davis, however, noted you do have the option of filing a third party report, which is an official police report that is kept on file but is not an official charge. It can be used as evidence in the future, or to track patterns of crime while avoiding putting an obligation on the survivor.
7. Help her regain control
“When someone is raped or sexually assaulted, they’ve had the most basic control of their body taken away from them,” Head said. “You [can] give that back to them by [asking them] to make little decisions. Would you like to go to Para or Starbucks? Would you like to eat here or on the Lawn?”
It boils down to helping survivors rediscover their own power.
8. Remember your role
“You have to realize you are just a friend,” Head said. “You aren’t an expert.”
9. Take care of yourself
The trauma of coping with a sexual assault can affect you as well. It’s important to note Counseling and Psychological Services is a resource not only for victims, but also for those who help them through.
“Don’t feel like you have to bear it yourself,” Davis said. “Let your friends know that you can’t be their therapist all the time. You need to take care of yourself and take some time for yourself. Don’t feel bad about that.”
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