My first few days of college were a whirlwind. Only hours after leaving the warm embraces of my closest friends from home, I found myself in the midst of thousands of strangers. Everyone warns you how difficult the transition to college can be, but they always neglect to mention that it never really ends.
To be a college student is to be in a constant state of motion — from the first day you move into college, you never stop moving until the day you graduate or beyond. Of course, you’re here in Charlottesville for most of your semesters, but those weeks of classes are interspersed with weekends at home, family vacations to the beach, internships in New York or whatever else you fill your college experience with. After spending your childhood firmly rooted at home, you suddenly find your physical belongings and emotional attachments strewn across the world and yourself the star of a great balancing act.
We are in an age of transition. Home becomes more of a relative idea than a concrete fact with each passing day, and no matter where we are or how long we’re there, we can’t help but shake this sneaky feeling that it’s simply an extended layover on our journey to a final destination we are not yet aware of. While in some sense this mindset is inevitable, it is imperative we realize our own agency in determining both our final destination and fellow passengers.
Last spring, The New York Times held a contest inviting college students to write essays centered on the topic of modern love. If you hadn’t already guessed based on my first column, “the death of dating,” I’m a bit of a romantic, so these essays piqued my interest. While they were all quite good, one particularly stood out to me — and the judges too apparently, because it won — as reflective of the experiences I’ve had so far in my short life.
The premise of the essay “No Labels, No Drama, Right?” is that everyone has a person in their life that circumstance has prevented them from actually having. Whereas our parents’ generation may talk about the one who got away, it’s much more common to find a college student telling the story of the one they never got the chance to be with in the first place. This individual — dubbed ‘Jeremy’ in the essay — is caught in some netherworld between friend and romantic partner, leaving a blanket of undefined labels and expectations that can all too easily cause frustration and confusion.
While the Jeremy in the essay was discussed in a romantic context, the motif extends far beyond one’s love life. More than anything, a Jeremy is just a “what if?” personified. Pretty much everyone has a Jeremy (or two) hiding in their closet. Its presence in the outskirts of your life makes you wonder what today would look like if just one or two moments of your past had played out differently. Whether friendly or romantic, your budding connection was trimmed before it was allowed to bloom.
As the summer quickly approaches, many of us will head in a number of different directions, leading us hundreds or thousands of miles from those we care about. While it’s easy to look at something like a summer apart and use it to rationalize a decision not to stay with or become close to someone, it’s important to realize the timing is never going to be perfect. Just because someone doesn’t fit exactly into the life plan you’ve created doesn’t mean there isn’t a way to work him in successfully. By accepting our context as fixed and non-negotiable, we allow our memory to become one long string of Jeremys and the past to weigh heavily on the present.
There are 7 billion people on this planet, but only a select few with whom you truly connect. No matter how inconvenient your context may be, I urge you to treasure them when you find them. Even if things fall apart, you’re left with a clean slate as opposed to yet another Jeremy, and the potential reward greatly outweighs the risk. If you feel strongly enough about a relationship, then you should actively ensure it survives. And if you don’t — well, that’s probably an equally important realization.
Even if we are in a constant state of motion, we still have the power to keep relationships strong and stable if we so choose. A Jeremy is symbolic of a previous failure to do just that. While it certainly takes two to tango, one person must take the lead, and there’s no reason that person can’t be you. You will still find yourself in a constant state of motion, but — with the right combination of communication and clarity — you’ll be able to avoid the missteps that allow Jeremy to enter your life.
Life is one big adventure and, as with any adventure, it is better when shared with others. By accepting that you don’t know what you’ll be doing next week — much less next year — you will realize that nothing is certain unless you make it so.
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