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Seven deadly sins of student life

How to lead a life of purity

A couple weeks back, I spotted a religious group on Grounds handing out flyers for “Sin Awareness Day.” While I tenaciously avoided eye contact, in the spirit of the event, I was inspired to compile a list of the seven deadly sins of student life.

It seems too obvious to address the regular seven deadly sins in their most conventional form here. For example, lust can be represented by third floor Trin, Tinder, “u up,” blah blah blah. Such ground is far too commonly tread. Granted, while pride, avarice, sloth and the other by-the-(good)-book sins are best to avoid, all the transgressions listed below are locally sourced University originals.  

1. Trying to get away with poor quality work via office hours schmoozing

We’ve all witnessed too many good men and women fall prey to such weakness. I don’t care how persuasive your emails are when trying to justify your two-day late assignment — it’s not going to work. You can even use Garamond for all I care. Unless you are literally the 5-foot-11- inch star of the “Ocean’s Eleven” franchise and legally named George Clooney, you are definitively not charming enough to get out of this one.  

2. Bragging about your academic success

You got another 4.0 and a paid internship? Wow! Can I bear your children?

A modern manifestation of a classic sin — pride — this transgression is more common than finding 20+ middle aged women named Sharon in a Talbots clearance section. 

3. Blowing all your money on food

Eating the finest Corner cuisine — or your feelings — can get pricey. Financial downfall has a way of sneaking up on you as you repeatedly opt for take-out, knowing all the while you’ve got sandwich fixings slowly molding back at your apartment. You can hear the haunting echoes of your mom’s voice growing louder — “We’ve got food at home.”

4. Living by the motto “Don’t catch feels”

I assume a middle school boy formulated this motto after hearing Drake for the first time. The overarching conventions of “hookup culture” associate emotional attachment with weakness and sanitize sex by stripping it of any actual importance or nuance. Emotional numbness as an interpersonal default setting is a boring way to navigate life, as it limits opportunities for growth. I would carve a manifesto on this subject on the Rotunda, but half the student populace would assume it was a subtweet from some former flame.

5. Accidentally calling your professor, “Mom”

Don’t worry, bud. It happens.

6. Weak weekend

“Sunday Funday” has never been a thing and never will be. Sundays should be reserved for day-long alternation between shameful procrastination and stressful productivity, culminating in a 5 p.m. depression nap. If you don’t find yourself knee-deep in a YouTube spiral while doing your economics homework, shame on your Sunday skills.  

7. Being a non-responsive friend

Texting back is just the lowest of bars. Let’s bracket romantic relationships for a second and agree that everyone has times when they just want to know that someone out there cares enough to talk. If you’ve had those moments, you can bet your friends experience them as well. Hey — a simple heart emoji can suffice sometimes.

Now that we’ve recognized our collective sins, let’s all agree to do better. Repent — if you’ve got the time. Or, better yet, make up for your past transgressions with a little kindness in the present.