The beginning of February can be rough for those of us still searching for our special someone. With each passing second, Valentine’s Day drags on, and the hopes of finding love dwindle.
If you’re lazy and weak like me, you’ve already embraced the fact that you will be alone today. Unsure of what to do for the day? Or how to distract yourself from the eternal and utter loneliness that haunts you as you fall asleep at night?
Then, here are some ideas about how to make the most of your Valentine’s Day.
1. Buy AirPods
Before you object, studies have shown that AirPod wearers are 42 percent more attractive than regular earbud users.
Okay, that’s a lie, but I’m sure they have some positive effect on one’s ability to attract a mate. After all, who isn’t looking for a sugar daddy in this day and age?
On the flipside, people might think you’re a jerk because of your AirPods and not talk to you, but this is actually good. They’ll assume you’re single because you’re a douchebag, not because you have the personality of a wet paper towel.
2. Contract norovirus
This shouldn’t be too hard as it’s been going around Grounds lately. Just stop washing your hands after you use the bathroom and you should be good to go — if you already don’t wash your hands afterwards, there’s a reason why you’re single.*
No one can blame you for being alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re puking and crapping your guts out, and you’ll get to miss class.
As an added bonus, being physically ill will distract from the aching pain of your shrivelled heart! If you need help finding norovirus, I saw some vomit on the stairs outside O’Hill earlier today. You’re welcome.
*For a higher chance of success, venture to a Chipotle.
3 Make friends with the squirrels on campus
As someone who is genuinely afraid of the squirrels that roam Grounds, I still think befriending them is better than being alone on the 14th. Just throw food at them and within a couple hours, they’ll follow you around campus like your own personal entourage. On the downside, they’re squirrels. On the upside, they won’t judge you for being single and you can set them loose on anyone who makes fun of you.
And, hey, maybe they can teach you a thing or two about how to find a nut.
4. Actively cause climate change
The only thing that’s hotter than romance is the Earth in about a decade! What better way to spite everyone who’s in love then by ruining the planet for their future children?
Currently, there’s 12 years left to limit climate change before the world explodes or something, but with your help, we might be able to make it happen sooner!
Burn all the fossil fuels you can, eat a whole cow, cut down some trees and use enough straws to kill all the remaining sea turtles. Why should anyone else be happy if you aren’t?
5. Start a pyramid scheme
This one’s pretty straight forward.
Cons: You might go to jail for fraud.
Pros: You’ll make a bunch of money, meet a ton of people, have something ~unique~ and ~quirky~ to put on your application to Comm School and most importantly, pyramids are arguably one of the sexiest prisms out there.
These are just some basic ideas for what you can do to make yourself feel better this Valentine’s Day. If all else fails, just remember that Trump might declare a national emergency on the 15th and shut down the government, so you won’t be suffering alone in a state of hopelessness for long.
Now get out there and find YOUR one true strain of norovirus!
Pasha McGuigan is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.