Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Spring has sprung, and with it, internship stress for the summer. For many students, the anxiety to receive a coveted summer internship leads to stressful applications to hundreds of semi-fishy internships on the career preparation platform Handshake. Handshake is a career networking site specifically targeted towards Gen Z and college students, and a large feature of the U.Va. Career Center.
This has only been exacerbated by rapidly decreasing opportunities in certain — all — fields as a result of governmental cuts and changes. According to students, this results in inescapable email lists for sketchy companies, hundreds of computer tabs and frantic calls to parents about “how the hell to write a cover letter.” Less often for these students, this results in an actual internship.
Third-year College student Bill Unpaid expanded on the difficulty of finding a summer job amidst tough competition and a lack of robust qualifications required for certain positions, even entry-level internships.
“This past summer, I applied to be a Popcorn Associate at AMC through Handshake. I thought I had it in the bag since the only qualification was to be ‘really enthusiastic about popcorn,’ but apparently, there were 49 other applicants who were more enthusiastic about popcorn than me,” Unpaid said. “I just ended up living with my parents, scrolling YikYak, playing Hay Day on my iPad and making no money.”
Luckily for the countless students facing this issue, Handshake has pioneered its own summer “Students Shake Hands” internship program for 2025. The program, indefinite in length of time, is not overly specific about what it entails — much like many of the other positions listed on the platform. The position is not virtual, despite likely entailing tasks that could be completed entirely remotely, but is instead based in what is somehow the least convenient city for every single applicant.
Necessary skills listed for the position include proficiency in scrolling aimlessly for long periods of time, exaggerating time spent on extracurriculars or volunteering and expertise in cover letter writing.
The University’s Handshake coordinator — who works with the third-party organization to offer opportunities fine-tuned to its students — Moore Aplicantz is excited to offer a more inclusive and accessible opportunity for college students looking for summer work. Specifically, Aplicantz highlighted that the program will pad these students’ resumes and get them into the McIntire School of Commerce, the Frank Batten School of Leadership and Public Policy or the highly selective Medieval Scrolls Masters Program.
“Oftentimes, Handshake offers internships that require insane qualifications that are unrealistic for undergraduate students,” Aplicantz said on the matter. “We don’t plan on making any adjustments at all to that side of our platform, but are happy to offer this opportunity to about four students out of the thousands who struggle with summer internships. To the others — tough luck, buddy!”
Following the interview, Aplicantz snickered evilly and made a vague comment about “not reading any of those applications anyway.”
Additional qualifications required by the “Students Shake Hands” program include an undergraduate degree, a law degree and several years of experience in firefighting and underwater basket weaving. Applicants must also be related to the Kardashians through two or three distinct lines of descent. All of these qualifications are, of course, only listed in fine print in the final page of the application once students have completely written their admission essay for the program.
Aplicantz also elaborated further on the acceptance process of the program.
“We are planning on never actually emailing the applicants who weren’t accepted back — this is both to keep them on their toes and to give us possible interns a few years out from now. They’ll probably still need a job then,” Aplicantz said.
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