As you all know, the Hoos won the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship last weekend. The whole affair was a tremendous showing of athleticism — both on behalf of the players themselves and the students who stormed the streets. Palm to Psalms, I saw a man pick up a full trash can and just throw it. That thing probably weighed about as much as a whole person, and he yanked that puppy up like it was nothing.
The post-game scene was awe-inspiring. I stood entranced, mouth agape, as students stormed the bridge over University Avenue. I gasped as a sea of hands crowd-surfed ecstatic fans across the street. I felt fire flood my pupils as I watched a couch get soaked in Burnett’s and set aflame. As I gazed upon the chaos, my heart swelled and my mind bent. More unbelievable than the scene in front of me was the thought stewing in the back of my mind — people really paid $75 to sit inside Trinity Irish Pub and watch a basketball game.
Bottles shattered and cans hit the ground nearby, but I barely paid them any mind. My entire consciousness was consumed by one question — in what world would anyone be foolish and financially irresponsible enough to spend the better chunk of $100 just to walk inside a bar? My confusion was compounded by the reality of Trin’s existence — the only thing that differentiates Trin from every other bar on the Corner is that it has a higher percentage of people who I either do not know or actively avoid. Trin? That three-leveled nest of debauchery, complete with a little balcony from which stumbling, bleary-eyed fledglings sometimes unintentionally take flight? Why would you spend $75 just to enter?
As I wondered, my eyes wandered — only to eventually land on a man in the process of removing his shoes and throwing them into the crowd. That’s $100 right there, I thought to myself.
Apparently this world is the foolish place wherein people are irresponsible enough to pay seventy-five dollars to watch basketball in a sticky, sweaty bar. For just $4.99 more, you could grab a 24-inch Insignia™ LED HDTV from Best Buy. I am not being paid to promote Best Buy* but I must say, this deal is pretty incredible. You could literally buy a TV and watch the game in the comfort of your own home, with cheaper drinks, cheaper food, and none of the social pressure to react appropriately to the game. Imagine — 90 uninterrupted minutes you could use simply for noshing on nachos and whispering sweet nothings into the pixelated ears of the Men’s Basketball team. That experience? Priceless. Actually no, it costs only about $5 more than the significantly less pleasant experience of entering Trinity Irish Pub to watch the game with blackout strangers.
But wait! Are we not brilliant, logical University students? Are we even capable of making irresponsible financial decisions? That doesn’t sound right. It isn’t like this school equates conspicuous consumption with a higher social status.
Oh, what? Oh, what’s this? You mean the red Gucci belt I wear every day? Oh, you know, it’s just … so much smoother than my other belts. Really. My choice to wear it has nothing to do with the wealth you will associate with me as I wear it. No, no, no. NO! Oh, my Cartier bracelet? The one that looks like a really shiny construction nail just bent around my wrist? Let me be perfectly clear. I wear that three thousand dollar trinket around my wrist to remind myself of my deep connection to the construction industry. Every day, I spend most of my time in constructed places, and I think that’s amazing. Our whole world was built by people underpaid for their skilled labor and looked down upon for their choice in careers, and you won’t even recognize that by dropping three stacks on a hunk of metal? You are disgusting, did you know that? Like really. That’s horrible, you selfish, unlovable gremlin.
To avoid belaboring the point, let me just cut straight to the chase. Every Sarah with a teeny tiny Longchamp bag and every Michael with Yeezys that he continues to wear even after all the wack sh*t Kanye West has said and done — this article is for you, so listen up. I am glad you have money. I am glad you can afford to live comfortably and I am happy for everything going well in your life. You should not feel shame for buying yourself things you want and need. At the same time, you should definitely feel shame for buying into U.Va.’s materialistic social culture and for spending $75 just to sit inside Trin. Recognize how lucky you are to have all that you need, and try to share that comfort with others when you can. Before you make like the Riot Man and yeet your shoes into a crowd for the fun of it, ask that crowd if any of them would like your gently worn size 10 asics, and THEN hurl the shoes in the direction of the respondent. Student activism, baby. Be the change.
*I am not, nor have I ever been, paid to promote Best Buy, but I am extremely open to it. Gotta stay hustling.
Lucy Hopkins is Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.