Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — In a Board of Visitors meeting Thursday for the Building and Grounds Committee, the University announced plans to demolish Brooks Hall and erect a Dave & Buster’s location in its place, confusing and outraging Anthropology faculty members currently housed in the building. In response to these concerns, President Jim Ryan uploaded a video reaffirming his commitment to institutional transparency.
“I think it’s first important to put this moment into context — we just never really liked Brooks Hall,” said President Ryan. “It just never felt right to the Board, nor to me. Furthermore, the nearest Dave & Buster’s is about 60 miles away in Richmond, and that’s simply way too far to be convenient.”
Ryan then took several minutes to explain the benefits that a Dave & Buster’s location could bring to Grounds, touting arcade-style game selections as “a natural extension of the 1515 basement.” Ryan also claimed that the on-site sports bar could serve as a safer, University-supervised way for younger students to spend their weekend nights, thus “freeing up hugely popular locations such as Boylan Heights” for upperclassmen students.
Ryan mentioned the initial plan was to build the Dave & Buster’s location on the Corner, potentially taking over Littlejohn’s now vacant spot. However, by demolishing the problematic Brooks Hall, they figured that they could “kill two birds with one stone.”
Ryan’s video triggered intense speculation as to what exactly makes Brooks Hall problematic in the eyes of the Board of Visitors, who did not consult with academic leaders in the College of Arts and Sciences when making their decision. The Board initially refused to comment on the topic.
Some community members speculated that the item of offense could be the controversial names of thinkers included along the walls of Brooks Hall.
“Aristotle was arguably the father of scientific racism. Hell, Cuvier, Linnaeus and Darwin actually have their own sections on the Wikipedia page for scientific racism,” said Prof. Agedwell of the Anthropology department.
Agedwell expanded on other thinkers mentioned on the building, noting their contributions to now discredited scientific fields like eugenics.
“Most of the other names have their problematic histories, but some of these guys were THE eugenics A-Listers back in the day. Owen and Humboldt have aged fine enough, but I could see why the University would take issue with some of the other ones.”
Many involved in the discourse quickly ruled out this theory, as the University could simply remove the problematic names à la Shannon — formerly Alderman — Library. The Board itself ultimately released a statement clarifying that they did not take issue with the names — after all, they recently implemented a wide array of anti-Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion policies — but rather the building itself.
“We have made plans to feature those names on the newly built Dave & Buster’s façade, thus preserving the history of the University,” stated the letter released by the Board.
“Instead, the more pressing focus in our decision was the architectural style of the hall — where are the white columns? Everyone at the University of Virginia should expect consistency in academic success, the composition of the student body and, above all, architecture.”
The out-of-place nature of Brooks Hall has been a historical sticking point for architecture buffs across Grounds.
Regardless of motivations surrounding the Board’s decision to demolish Brooks Hall, the announcement of a Dave & Buster’s location was met with largely positive reactions from the student body.
“This is almost as good as when they brought Cane’s to the Corner. The University really needs more places on Grounds where you can just turn your brain off and have a good time,” said Unnin Formt, a second-year College student majoring in Economics.
However, when pressed, many students admitted a lack of knowledge on the building entirely.
“Which one is Brooks Hall again? The Anthropology building? I thought that store was by Barracks… I would’ve hit that up more often if I’d known it was on Grounds,” Formt said.
As Anthropology professors empty Brooks Hall for its demolition during the first week of this coming semester, many are reflecting on the tumultuous history that the building has shared with the University since its opening in 1878.
“They’ve wanted us out of Brooks Hall since day one,” said Prof. Andrew Pollogy. “Getting rid of our faux wooly mammoth in 1948 was the University’s first step in a decades-long crusade against the building and the Anthropology department as a whole. I suppose it was really only a matter of time in this political climate.”
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