Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.
Dec. 17, the University Judiciary Committee announced via “text-blast to the entire school” that they would be suspending the Lighting of the Lawn Committee after they finalized their investigations on allegations of “jolly hazing” that broke after the drone show. After the conclusion of the investigation, new members came forward in droves to tell their harrowing accounts.
The UJC unanimously deemed that the organization — known for heralding in the unofficial start of the holiday season at the University with an astounding light show — has imparted far too much Christmas joy onto its new members.
The UJC first became suspicious after a first-year committee member fell into a “food coma” after a get-together with older students. The new member’s roommate approached their RA after the member slept straight through Trin Tuesday. When the member eventually woke up, he and his RA reported the Committee to the UJC, who put their top investigator, fourth-year College student Marcus Grinch, on the case.
An anonymous source, codenamed Buddy the Leaker, gave The Cavalier Daily access to the hazing testimonies. New members were forced to put on their most festive attire and were wrapped in garland and quizzed on various Christmas facts. Horrifyingly, after incorrect answers, new members were given a pat on the back and a cup of warm apple cider and told to try again.
Claus Cometson, newly-accepted committee member and first-year College student, characterized the brutality that he was subjected to.
“We had to report to a Lawn room every Wednesday night. The older members called us elves and made us recite songs like Jingle Bells,” Cometson said. “If you got one word wrong, they forced you to drink this horrid concoction made of warm milk with chocolate in it.”
Another committee member and second-year transfer student from the University of Alaska, Kris Kringle Jr., echoed this statement with his own account after he forgot the name of Santa’s eighth reindeer.
“They had us do reps upon reps of strenuous activities like caroling, stocking hanging and, worst of all, tabling. After my voice cracked singing ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town,’ the older students made me smile and wish everyone a ‘Merry Christmas’ until I simply couldn’t do it anymore,” Kringle said. “My mouth was too sore to speak the next day!”
LOTL member and second-year College student Cindy L. Hoo undertook these rituals last year and had a different perspective on the experience.
“It’s the way it's always been done. The year ahead of me did it, and the year before them, and the year before them. Would I ever want to do it again? Probably not. Does ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’ give me horrific flashbacks? Yes, but it's all for the good of the community,” Hoo said.
The Lighting of the Lawn Committee sent out an official statement just after the UJC in defense of their actions. More specifically, they pointed to their irreplaceable nature in the University community.
“The University needs us. They can barely figure out their emergency alert system — do you think they could perfectly orchestrate the release of light up balls that just go everywhere the moment they touch the crowd anyway?”
Joseph L. Scrooge, the University Spokesman for the Office of Winter Melancholy, also released a statement on the suspension.
“We’ve been after those brats for years, and we finally managed to get them on something concrete. I knew all that Christmas cheer talk was a coverup for something much more sinister! The Lawn will be dark once again!”
Rumors of the Committee working as an underground organization have already begun to surface. With the Lawn under intense scrutiny, possible alternative areas to be adorned in lights have been proposed, such as the third floor of Clemons Library, under Beta Bridge or that one weird 7 Day that no one goes to next to White Spot.
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