An open letter to U.Va.’s secret societies

hu-sevensociety-autumnswain

Humor columnist Erin Clancy pleads her case to the secret societies.

Autumn Swain | Cavalier Daily

I’m not a first-year anymore. I’ve given up the fresh hope that one day I’d be playfully tapped by some fairy-like stranger as I was strolling across Mr. Jefferson’s majestic lawn, who would tell me, “You’re a humble, kind and heroic person. You’re everything that the Sevens wanted and never had. Until now.”

Of course, that dream is not realistic. It only took me two years at the University to realize the incredible power of secret societies and how so many people join them by (seemingly) doing nothing.

So, I spent my first two years at U.Va. playing a waiting game for that fateful tap that would secure me a spot on U.Va.’s completely real very important persons list. I never talked about wanting to be in a secret society out of the prepubescent belief that some magical secret-society-man in the sky was watching me and would determine my fate.

Well, showing no interest in being a member of a secret society hasn’t worked, so I’m gonna play all my cards and cut the crap. All this secret society BS? I want in.

First, I just want to put it out there that I am a good person, at least on paper. I do stuff with Madison House once a week for 3 hours, and I’ve probably asked like 10 drunk girls if they’re OK. For these reasons, I am pretty surprised that I’m not already on the secret society radar.

Just hear me out, secret societies. Anyone who needs me can have me. The more self-important you are, the better, but as an aging third-year whose marketability potential is wearing thin, I’m honestly up for anything. 

You all have been doing an awesome job, being secret and all. I’m not really sure what else you do or what your significance is, but I guess that’s the point. So, kudos to you! Here’s the thing — I’m really good at keeping secrets. And I genuinely love them. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Secrets, secrets are no fun, unless you share with everyone.” I couldn’t disagree more with that statement. 

I, like any respectable member of a secret society, believe that secrets are much more fun when I am in the in-group and everyone else pines to know what I know. I love seeing the anguished, exasperated look on the face of someone purposefully informed of the existence of the in-group’s secrets yet still completely excluded from them. I very much enjoy the giddy power that comes from knowing something that someone won’t and will never know because of me. Seriously, guys, I’m just like you! 

Secret societies, I urge you to consider me for one of your new recruits. If selected, I’d be the perfect soft-spoken tauntress. I also look really good in a cape. Just sayin’. 

Thank you all for your consideration. I’m going abroad this semester, but feel free to send my membership offer to my U.Va. email. I’d say just look up my computing ID on U.Va. People Search, but you probably already know how to find me. 

Erin Clancy is a Humor Columnist at The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.

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