Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Amid recent administrative changes, the University has appointed its Corner Squirrel population as interim Grounds security. To reflect their change in status, the group is now formally known as “University Squirrel Security” or USS. These changes follow former University President Jim Ryan’s resignation.
With a general atmosphere of confusion spreading around Grounds, the USS took to the trees to do daily surveillance and threat assessment. Timothy Longo Sr., associate vice president for safety and security at the University, reportedly attempted to work with the USS but was denied.
General Acornelius Chestnut, chief lieutenant inspector detective head of USS, put out an official statement in regards to the current work of the University Police Division.
“We appreciate Mr. Longo’s enthusiasm, but our intelligence suggests he cannot climb trees or sniff out concealed Bold Rock. Because of the differences in our skill sets and our appointment by the University, we choose to remain separate.” Chestnut said.
Sources claim the squirrels have also been spotted running covert operations against the Board of Visitors to ensure transparency in the appointment process for a new University president. Detective general Chestnut quickly debunked these rumors.
“As University employees, we deeply respect the Board’s authority. We’ve just been having some problems with agents becoming distracted by the movement behind the Rotunda windows and the potential presence of Gretchen Walsh.” Chestnut said.
To clear the air, the USS announced their focus would be what the University appointed them to do — ensure student security by all means necessary.
As first-years arrive on Grounds for the semester, the squirrels have planned new initiatives intended for incoming students to cling closely to their Resident Advisors instead of sneaking off to the Corner at night. Some of these initiatives were piloted during first-year orientation sessions, with USS agents running trials on preventing underage drinking or excessive roaming.
“One of them just took my student ID,” zero-year Commerce student Justina Gothere said. “I had to promise to buy him a beer at 7 Day before I got it back. Then, he took my fake ID.”
Continuing their nightlife initiatives, the USS detail is currently working with top fraternity executives to plan Block Party operations “safely” — a term loosely defined as “no one PUBS before sunset.” The security team has also been awarded exclusive bouncer contracts for Charlottesville’s most elite parties, with entry now determined by a strict and unforgiving “vibe check.”
Additionally, the squirrels have decided to introduce new Grounds-wide protocols to keep students safe as the 2025-26 school year begins. With an increased reliance on technology, these new protocols are more for digital safety than physical safety.
Squirrel Security has hired an advanced team of Engineering School Squirrel hackers from the Academical Village to launch cyber-attacks on students connected to the University “eduroam” network. These attacks are all a part of the squirrels’ “Think Fast” policies, which aim to make students more cautious by constantly putting them in dangerous situations.
These cyber-attacks take the form of malicious emails. When students click on the links present in the emails, they will be directed to a page letting them know they have gotten “got.” Immediately after, they will be subject to the squirrel haze of shame.
In this haze, squirrels will remotely log into the student’s device and use the microphone for chants such as “Suck on D(eez)Nut” or “you’re dumb” for 10 minutes. The power and volume buttons of the student’s device will stop working to ensure maximum embarrassment.
“It was terrible. I didn’t think it would be that bad but it was much worse,” said Tanner Brunch, quality assurance tester for the new cyber-attack program. He echoed concerns that the squirrel’s behavior might be emotionally damaging to already overworked students if widely implemented.
“They knew I was just testing the links and they still called me a moron who nobody likes. I slipped on the fallen acorns they threw … and they laughed.”
As the summer continues, the University Squirrel Security seems to be stepping into their new role on Grounds with no immediate plans to back down.
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