We are growing increasingly concerned about our Commander-in-Chief. No, not that one, but your premature conclusion from that sentence alone was understandable. This is about University President Jim Ryan. As COVID-19 is hammering universities across America far worse than gonorrhea ever could, it is causing contentious discussions over how it should best be mitigated. While multiple people are responsible for making the important decisions around here — like whether to splurge on some Purell or cut corners with a knockoff brand — it is safe to assume the buck stops with Ryan.
It is always easy to criticize people in charge, but I implore you to consider the immense stress these individuals are under amidst this crisis. President Ryan has a lot on his plate right now. Normally, that would be a good thing because he runs so darn much — they don’t call him Mr. Caloric Deficit for no reason — but these are unusual circumstances. Just put yourself in his New Balance Fresh Foams for a moment. You may have to scrunch your toes a bit, but go ahead. Just think about his unenviable perspective. Would you want to bear this responsibility right now? Of course not. Being a fly on the wall when you were conceived would be more appealing. In all seriousness, I am confident he is working tirelessly to make good decisions for our community.
Plus, as if the virus isn’t wreaking enough havoc, President Ryan is rumored to be juggling other issues. For instance, QAnon, a group of raging lunatics, is actively trying to implicate him in a scheme to convert Christian’s Pizza into, well, something very bad. Fortunately, there is no evidence to corroborate this. Christian’s remains dedicated to feeding inebriated youngsters and nothing else.
Naturally, all this mayhem might be taking a toll on his mental health. An unconfirmed source has spotted very premature Christmas decorations already gracing his property. Unless he is trying to summon a miracle of sorts, that cannot be a good sign. I’d suggest to him a consultation with CAPS, Counseling and Psychological Services here on Grounds, but they have their hands full with all the first-years realizing high school relationships are no more.
These are quite obviously difficult times for all of us. The social dynamic around Grounds is completely upside down. All this social distancing is a new adjustment for everyone, even the engineers. Furthermore, even the cordial relationship students typically share with President Ryan himself is being negatively affected at the moment. His weekly running initiative, Run with Jim, might as well be Run from Jim right now.
Hopefully we can all return to normalcy soon. I am confident that bouts of indecent exposure on the Lawn and violations of the fire code at Newcomb are on the horizon. In the meantime, however, do your part — keep the booze to yourself, don’t share the Juul and don’t be an idiot. As for President Ryan, someone please check on the guy. And wear a mask.
Michael Lindemann is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.