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The University celebrates it’s long legacy as a sick party campus

Humor columnist Ky Lynch covers U.Va.’s latest attempt to pay homage to its history

Students are ecstatic to use the middle of summer to partake in a celebration of the University’s long history and rich culture. Students and faculty alike flock to Grounds to learn about and experience campus traditions that date back centuries.

“We're very proud that so many people came out today,” said one of the event’s organizers. “It’s important to us that our students learn about U’Va.'s legacy of getting absolutely sloshed off of maximally douchey alcohol brands.” Jefferson's University has long been an institution filled with culture and intellectualism, so in the midst of all of the festivities, it's no surprise that valuable education occurred. One faculty member was spotted showing a first year how to properly position themselves for a killer keg stand, while another was seen teaching one of the fraternities about the marginal utility rate of different popper brands.

“Our university's history is complicated and controversial,” one staff member admits. “But we want to make sure the foundations of campus culture remain intact throughout the generations. That's why it's important to us that our students uphold the U.Va. standard by knowing how to take the fattest f—kin' rip off of a cotton candy Juul.”

“We strive to educate our students in all aspects,” another anonymous faculty member adds. “We don’t know what their futures hold. Just like they might need to know how to analyze Orwell or do multivariate calculus, someday they may also need to know how to buttchug ketamine out of a gatorade bottle at Coachella.”

Certain students, however, are critical of the institution's past, and object to the celebration. Some call it a waste of time, and others are protesting the revisionism on the University's part. “They think they can trick us into thinking U.Va. students always used to rage this hard?” one student derides. “It's absurd and revisionist.”

“They got us Busch Light,” her friend agreed. “For the tuition I’m paying, they could have at least sprung for Yuengling.”

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