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(04/20/17 5:15am)
Controversial opinion time: the American Civil War was not the best thing in the world. It was fought for “complex reasons that totally weren’t just slavery” (or so I have been informed by a number of white male southerners) and resulted in enormous, staggering casualty counts on all sides. It’s the only war to occur on American soil since the Revolution. Some of you are probably saying, “What about the War of 1812?” but you’re nerds who belong in lockers and that war doesn’t count.
(04/18/17 4:03am)
When I was in high school, I dreamed of having my own television show. I could say what was on my mind, make a few jokes and have complete creative control. I wanted the money, the laughs and the fame. This week taught me that what I should have really been focused on was criminal immunity. Turns out, if you’re successful enough and have an insular, combative, cultish audience (the qualities of my people) you can do just about anything.
(04/06/17 4:07am)
We almost made it a whole semester without a scandal. We were so close. We made it all the way to April. We Hillaried it. We had it until the last possible minute, and then someone in Washington screwed us. Someone found out that the children of wealthy parents were flagged for preferential treatment and possible acceptance if they did not get in on merit alone.
(03/30/17 4:11am)
So, this past week, the new chair of the College Republicans had a column published on The Cavalier Daily defending the Republican party’s American Health Care Act.
(03/22/17 4:12am)
Hey there, pal. I heard you got dumped. I’m really sorry about that. Yes, I know it isn’t my fault, it wasn’t a literal statement, it’s just a common thing people say, I just meant … Look, okay, nope, I promised I was going to be patient with this conversation.
(02/23/17 5:00am)
Life has been awfully serious at U.Va. as of late — there’s been a lot of fear and a lot of hate. Angry women’s marches, broken windows at Arch’s, long awaited searches for the University president, Honor Committee reformists shouting about “voter participation percent,” anti-Semitic graffiti covering the wall, a smear letter for Kelsey Kilgore and a Student Council election that leaves us all wanting more.
(02/03/17 5:03am)
Everyone has someone they regret dating. That person rarely comes up in conversation. People don’t eagerly bring up your ex for no apparent reason.
(11/12/16 12:13am)
Well. He did it. Well, it’s a democracy; I guess we all did it. Rather than elect a qualified woman, we elected the living embodiment of id, hell-bent on destroying democracy, reproductive rights, immigrant rights, rights, women, love, fun, joy and the national collective drive to get out of bed in the morning. At the dawn of the American hangover, where we will all learn just how many regrettable mistakes we made last night, I implore you to treat it like a real hangover. For the sake of my mental health and your own well being, kindly shut up.
(11/03/16 5:05am)
It’s stupidly easy to influence kids. It’s how I made my fortune, it’s how I’ve gotten away with all those unsolved murders and it’s what the Republican nominee is doing nationwide; kids are imitating him, and people are noticing. The Patriotic Artists and Creative PAC’s recent anti-Trump ad stars playground bullies that look suspiciously like the Republican nominee. Teeny tiny racists. Adorable Jim Crows. Miniature xenophobic sociopaths. So cute they’ll make you want to swaddle them in a blanket and tell them a goodnight story… just not “The Sneetches,” because that book is about accepting people that look different, or “The Lorax,” because climate change is a myth. How about “Alexander and the No Good,” “Very Bad Election” or “Oh The Places You’ll Go If You’re White?” Those seem right up lil’ fascist’s alley.
(10/27/16 10:48am)
I want to preface this monsoon of raw emotion by saying I know the hateful person who defaced the closest thing U.Va. has to Hotel California is probably not going to read this. That’s not what this is for. This is so I can make jokes about something awful because, in a year that defies satire, it’s the only reaction I have left that isn’t just me breaking down in tears. Enjoy.
(10/19/16 4:05am)
Dear Board of Visitors,
(10/13/16 3:49am)
We recently learned a lot of scary stuff about Donald Trump.
(09/29/16 4:28am)
This year, our eternal lord and master Teresa Sullivan delivered a Convocation speech unlike any before it… but not in a good way. In lieu of previous sermons, T-Sully used her Rotunda-shadowed spotlight to preach on the importance of voting, ensuring we “fulfill our civic duty.” Although encouraging the College Republicans to vote for Thomas Jefferson’s third eyelash over Donald Trump is important, it really hurt the entertainment value. She cut out my favorite part of the traditional speech! In previous years, she has listed impressive feats people from the incoming class have accomplished before their arrival at the University, stirring up feelings of awe and inadequacy. So many people accomplish amazing things by age 18! On the other hand, Steve Jobs had invented the Apple computer by my age, so suck it, 15-year-old in the E-School! You probably didn’t even go to prom!