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(05/08/15 4:00am)
They said it couldn’t be done. They said I was foolish to try. They said it would throw off my poop schedule. No, I’m not talking about using all 49 swipes in one week allotted by the deceptively named “unlimited” meal plan. I’m speaking, of course, of sharing a room with a member of the opposite sex; or for the more detail-oriented readers among you, of two cisgendered friends cohabiting for the duration of one year.
(04/16/15 4:05am)
Still reeling from a traumatic year in the national spotlight, on the morning of Mar. 30 U.Va students experienced yet another uncovering of a persistent problem on Grounds.
(03/19/15 4:17am)
I was in “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.” Well, technically, there is a character named Stebbins in the extended edition of the film. You have to go past the main menu of the DVD, to the deleted scenes. Said character gets caught “snogging” — which is a rare example of British parlance sounding less sophisticated than the American equivalent, “necking” — with a lady-friend in one of the carriages during the Yule Ball. Snape catches the two wizards-with-benefits and, presumably channeling his own well-documented frustration in these matters, brings the proceedings to an abrupt end. I can only assume, based on what I would do in this character’s robes, that he was mere moments away from a cheesy sexual pun like “showing you my Whomping Willow,” “speaking in parseltongue,” or “I bet you didn’t Expecto this Patronum.”
(01/22/15 5:09am)
Were you aware, presumably tech-savvy reader, that some people still own and are content with third generation iPhones? Well, over Christmas those ranks dwindled by at least one, when I took time out of my busy schedule of impersonating Salvation Army bell-ringers (Christmas is my peak season!) to upgrade from the iPhone 3 to the iPhone R2D2 or something — puts finger to imaginary earpiece: “I’m just getting word it was in fact the 5S.”
(11/13/14 5:24am)
When was the last time you achieved something that you’d previously thought beyond your reach? I’ll wait. Now, when was the last time you failed to achieve something you considered well within your reach? If your first response was something along the lines of, “Well, being Wordmasters champion was pretty swell,” and your second response was, “this morning,” I have good news and bad news. (Read the following sentence in the voice of Ice-T from Law and Order SVU if Ice-T were censored by a colonial reenactor): The bad news is you’re guilty, you punk pair of bitches.
(10/23/14 3:51am)
I went through a two-year dry spell in college. For longer than a root canal procedure but less than the time it takes to adequately learn Japanese, collective reality pitched a no-hitter. Not the kind of no-hitter where no batters get on base — the kind where the pitcher takes the mound and realizes the other team forgot there was a game and is still in a hotel in downtown Toledo prank calling each others’ rooms with fake names like “Richard Dick,” “Seymour Lipshits” or “Dick Butkus.” Actually, those are all real people, and Seymour was, I kid you not, my father’s proctologist. Nominative determinism is the word you’re looking for.