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(03/05/01 5:00am)
A week ago, two friends and I went to New Orleans to enjoy the festivities of Mardi Gras. That's right, we drove 32 hours to spend 48 hours at our destination. Did we have a good time? Yes. Am I mentally unstable? Certainly.
(02/19/01 5:00am)
As a college student, I think there are certain things we all miss while we're away from home. Being away from my parents, siblings and old friends for months at a time isn't that bad. But I miss my dog.
(02/05/01 5:00am)
I recently realized that a health craze now rules everything in our society. Everywhere you look there are gyms, or people working out in gyms, or people on their way to the gym, or home gyms, or guys named Jim, or guys named Jim who work out in gyms and own home gyms. You get the idea.
(01/22/01 5:00am)
Over the past several months, I started having difficulty seeing certain things like the writing on classroom chalkboards. At first, I insisted the fault was not my own. During several classes, I yelled to the professor, "Stop writing blurry!"
(11/29/00 5:00am)
Painfully difficult exams and papers larger in scale than Katherine Harris's newfound fame - this is what the next several weeks hold in store for us. As we think about these upcoming days, we sometimes forget about more the more emotionally trying days of old. I speak, of course, of elementary and middle school.
(11/13/00 5:00am)
I know you're tired of hearing about it, but like every journalist (I use that term loosely) I am contractually obligated to talk about this year's presidential election. If I chose to do otherwise, I would be forced to write something of substance in future columns, and we all know that's not going to happen.
(10/30/00 5:00am)
After several nights of crazy Halloween parties, I'm sure one thing is resonating in the mind of every student - nude beaches. And if that's not what you're thinking about right now, it should be because it's a great stress reliever.
(10/09/00 4:00am)
By I turned 20 this past July. At first glance, my 20th year seems to be an uneventful one except that I finally obtained the right to vote in the Canadian Pepsi/Coca-Cola Taste Challenge. However, the use of technologically advanced methods such as a Ouiji Board has shown that the age 20 signifies a change from immature teenager to immature adult.
(09/25/00 4:00am)
The Olympics are going on this week, and you know what that means - mil- lions of people across the world gathered in front of their televisions ignoring the Olympics in eager anticipation of the next edition of "Survivor."
(09/11/00 4:00am)
Like the majority of jaded Americans looking to waste half their life savings in one summer outing, I went to an amusement park this past August. At this point I would like to put to rest anybody's fear that I might be tempted to make sexual innuendoes concerning the name of the amusement park I went to -- Busch Gardens. I will actively avoid such obscene references, and any that are found are merely the result of the readers' sick minds.
(09/04/00 4:00am)
I went shopping this week ... with my girlfriend. For most men, that sounds like the opening lines to a horror movie. Women are always saying they want their man to show more emotion. Well ladies, here's the answer. Tell your guy that you want him to come shopping all day with you, and you will finally see him weep like a little girl. And if you break the news during the final game of a best-of-seven series, you should make sure there aren't any guns in the apartment.
(04/24/00 4:00am)
With final exams quickly approaching, I figured I would supply everybody with the only study guide you'll ever need. Now you can set fire to all your books and enjoy yourself. (But don't set fire to your 18th century literature books because they were written by the devil, and fire will only anger them).
(04/17/00 4:00am)
With the sudden ubiquity of coffee, coffee shops, coffee houses and coffee ice cream in our society, we the consumers find ourselves asking one question, "How many times am I going to burn my tongue before I realize that coffee is as hot as %#$*?"
(04/10/00 4:00am)
When I wake up every morning, there are a couple of things I take for granted. First of all, I assume that we are carbon-based life forms that obey the laws of physics. After that, I just accept the fact that during the course of the day, I will most likely not be in the middle of a heated debate over which one of three guys shoved more hamburgers in his mouth. Finally, I take for granted that as my day proceeds, at no point will I have burger and fried egg projectile-vomited on me with the accuracy of an F.B.I. sniper.
(04/03/00 4:00am)
This week I wanted to bring to your attention an extremely grave situation that in the near future could affect every last one of us. However, I couldn't find such an issue, so I'm going to talk about the time I went to buy a new cordless phone. (I know, it's random. But whatcha' gonna do?)
(03/27/00 5:00am)
Over spring break, while many of you were having the time of your lives in exotic locations where the local dress code is nothing but sand, I was in Colorado trying to kill myself - I mean, learning to ski.
(03/06/00 5:00am)
Well, Mardi Gras is almost here. It is bearing down on us like that giant boulder that almost crushes Indiana Jones in the movie where he's raiding a lost ark. I forget the name of the movie.
(02/28/00 5:00am)
There is an extremely pressing situation affecting our lives right now. Hundreds have died senselessly or have been seriously injured, and children run in fear when confronted with the atrocities of which I am about to speak.
(02/21/00 5:00am)
To all my faithful readers (both of you): In the past year and a half we've had some good times ("Richard Simmons and other extraterrestrial beings") and some bad times ("Elvis' tunes live on through hamsters"). During the course of our relationship, I knew there would come a time when I would have to resort to bathroom humor. That greatly feared day is now upon us. So if you're still with me, let's explore the repulsive world of the public bathroom. I must warn you though, that the following may not be suitable for women, children and some types of cheeses.
(02/14/00 5:00am)
Happy Groundhog's Day everyone, or Valentine's Day, or whatever. Unlike some people, I'm hoping to avoid getting stabbed in the backside by Cupid's arrow today, because the last time it happened, it left a nasty rash.