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Final exam advice for the weary college soul

With final exams quickly approaching, I figured I would supply everybody with the only study guide you'll ever need. Now you can set fire to all your books and enjoy yourself. (But don't set fire to your 18th century literature books because they were written by the devil, and fire will only anger them).

The first step to studying is to go through your materials and highlight anything that's relevant. The reason it's important to highlight in your notebooks is so you know not to study things you've doodled on the side of the page. For example, "don't forget to buy paper" or "I want to kick the professor in the face." Because if you don't highlight, you'll think that kicking the professor in the face will be on the final exam. Wouldn't that be great?

23). Where do you want to kick the professor?

a) the shin

b) the ear

c) the face

d) all of the above

You would be thinking, "Damn it, I should know this! I think it's 'the face,' but 'all of the above' sounds good too."

When studying, also beware of the temptation to study with a study group. Just know that there is no such thing as a study group. There may be groups that talk about how to study, or even stubby groups, but there is no group that actually studies. Study group conversation usually goes as follows.

"Let's study."

"Good idea. Who wants to get some candy with me?"

"I love those Swedish fish."

"What makes them Swedish anyway? Were their parents from Sweden?"

"Yeah, why would candy have a regional background? There aren't any Yugoslavian sour patch kids."

"That's candy racism! I'm too angry to study."

"Study what?"

With the guidelines for studying set, I will now supply a nifty guide for answering exam questions in several subjects. My great lack of knowledge in most of these areas should make them surprisingly helpful.

History: Answer any question with, "During that time period a boldly courageous man named (fill in name of good guy) made incredible advances in the area of human rights to the great dismay of (fill in name of bad guy). It must also be noted that women were making advances as well, seeing as their fearless leader (name of good woman) succeeded in kicking sexist America in the crotch. Meanwhile, our powerful and brave President (name of president) was defeating (name of any country) while still having time to sleep with (name of woman), (name of woman) and (name of woman)."

Philosophy: Begin any response with either "Plato says..." or "Neitzsche philosophized..."

English: For any question, make sure your response includes at least three mentions of Shakespeare in every sentence.

Hebrew: Act like you're choking -- you'll probably be speaking fluently whether you know it or not.

Latin: Give a speech about how it's disrespectful to talk about a dead language.

Spanish: Bring in a Chihuahua to help you on the test because if there is anything we've learned from television, it's that Chihuahuas speak both Spanish and English fluently and have a great sense of humor to boot.

Psychology: Respond "The writer of this question clearly has unconscious tendencies towards sexism which most likely stem from a distrust of his or her father during childhood. I am greatly offended, and refuse to answer any further questions until the writer gets past his or her denial and seeks psychiatric help."

Astronomy: For any question simply recite things that you remember from "Star Trek;" most of it's close enough. However, keep in mind the main thing that is not true is that every planet has an atmosphere exactly like Earth's. In reality, most planets have atmospheres that would either melt Captain Kirk's flesh into a puddle or freeze his bodily fluids completely solid within seconds.

Chemistry: You're on your own with that one.

Biology: Remember that 80s movie "Inner Space"? That'll tell you everything you need to know.

Anthropology: Respond "I cannot answer this question because it depends on the meaning of the word 'the.' 'The' is a culturally loaded word that doesn't even exist in some Native American languages and in others refers to a type of mango. So until this word is more clearly defined, I cannot simply disregard the societal ambiguity it infers."

Math: On the exam explain that infinity equals zero, so dealing with any numbers in between is inconsequential and a waste of your finite amount of time on this planet.

Architecture: When in doubt, Frank Lloyd Wright designed it.

For all other subjects: Use a combination of the above answers.

Well, that's my last column for this year. Have a great summer if I don't see you. Wait, don't you work at that car wash place? I'll drop by sometime, and we can chill.

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