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Female tag team efforts befuddle clueless lads

Happy Groundhog's Day everyone, or Valentine's Day, or whatever. Unlike some people, I'm hoping to avoid getting stabbed in the backside by Cupid's arrow today, because the last time it happened, it left a nasty rash.

I recently realized just how different guys and girls are, and on this special, yet cheesy day, I've decided to shed some light on the subject.

The other day, a female friend of mine wanted advice concerning guys. If girls have problems with a guy, they will attack another guy for the answers, much like velociraptors, except velociraptors rarely had relationship problems. Then, if another girl walks in during the interrogation, she'll help the first girl, and they'll work as a team, slowly breaking the guy down.

Girls know what the other members of their team are doing, and they'll help each other out. They can even explain the actions of the rest of their team.

Guys, on the other hand, have a loose bond among one another, but they don't really keep track of what other guys are doing. The only thing that keeps us together is if one guy scores. Then we'll chalk that up as a point for the whole team. Other than that, there's not much sharing of information going on. This is why girls go to the bathroom in groups and guys go alone.

So my friend wanted me to explain why guys never see the signs that women give when they're attracted to them. And I told her the truth. I told her the blatant truth - which is difficult for many women to accept. The truth is that men don't know what the hell's going on.

Ladies, give up on the signs, signals and just about everything else. We're not gonna get it.

"Oh, you offered him a stick of gum? Well, my God! How could anyone not pick up on that clue?!" (I hope the sarcasm in the last sentence was overly evident.)

Girls, you could make a giant highway sign that says, "Ask Me Out!" and smack the guy over his head with it so it leaves an imprint on his forehead. He still wouldn't get it. You could have people with neon orange batons directing him toward you in your living room with Boys II Men singing "I'll Make Love to You," and he still would think that you just wanted to be friends.

But these rules only apply for most girls. If there is a girl that a guy is incredibly interested in, the guy will suddenly become Sherlock Holmes. He will start finding clues in everything.

"There she is over at that table. See how she just took that bite of food? She wants me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, she's trying to look seductive. And last week when I introduced myself, all she did was ask me how I knew where she lived. She didn't call the police or anything!"

Another problem is that girls always think they're seeing bad signs. They say things like, "Oh my God. He didn't e-mail me when we were both online the other day. He must hate me."

Ladies, it's not that he hates you. He probably just didn't notice you because he was too busy downloading hardcore porn.

Or women say, "I passed him on the sidewalk, and he didn't stop to talk to me." To this I say, "It's not that he didn't want to talk to you. He was probably in a rush to go download hardcore porn."

Seriously, women, give guys the benefit of the doubt.

I have also heard several girls say they don't want to flirt with a guy they like because they don't want the guy to think they're too eager. Girls, we guys are having a hard enough time figuring out women without the added confusion of your eagerness games. No guy has ever turned a girl down because she was too eager. In the history of the world, the following conversation has never taken place between guys:

"Hey Bill, today I met a supermodel who is incredibly nice, enjoys nude beaches, beer and football, and she says she is completely in love with me. I have never met a nicer, more gorgeous woman. Unfortunately, I had to turn her down."

"Why?!"

"She was too eager. I can't have that."

Attempting to get men and women to understand each other is about as easy as teaching quantum physics to a muskrat with attention deficit disorder.

I don't think we will really ever figure it out, but we never should stop trying. I plan on delving deeper into this topic next week unless I get bored by it, in which case my topic will be the mating habits of Middle Eastern lizards. Either way, you won't want to miss it.

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