April Fools Day

Surprise album from Kanye West gets stuck in your head

In a shocking development, American rapper and music producer Kanye West recently released his seventh studio album, “So Help Me God,” with no prior announcement, only moments before music review website Pitchfork published its 10/10 review of the album. The album was distributed for free directly into the minds of seven billion people around the world. READ MORE


Three days after the conclusion of Sigma Chi’s “Derby Days,” a spring philanthropy benefiting the Children’s Miracle Network, first-year College student and pledge Jimmy Schwartz was discovered through an anonymous tip in the basement of the fraternity’s house. READ MORE

HEINY: ​Why I won’t leave my Lawn room

I am committed to the values of never lying, cheating or stealing — especially since I have never lied, cheated or stolen anything (ever!). But our community has not reached my enviable moral status yet. There is a reason our Lawn chairs are still locked. There is still work to be done. READ MORE

SPANX: ​Never ready for Hillary

But moving beyond the dearth of acceptable female candidates for president, we should still ask ourselves: Could a woman in the Oval Office ever have positive outcomes? Clearly, the answer to that question is no. As age-old stereotypes so rightly tell us, women are emotional. I know that even a particularly moving cat food commercial can make me sob uncontrollably. READ MORE

​DOWNER: We need negative majors

A negative major wouldn’t force students to take classes in narrow areas, it would only tell students what few areas they could not take courses. There’s a synergy to it as well, since a student wouldn’t have taken any classes in that department anyway. This way students would have a greater choice of easy classes to take, leaving time for important competitions of trivia and marathons of Netflix. READ MORE

​Your life isn’t bumming me out

Pretty faces, you need to change for yourselves. April Fools! You need to change for me. You make me want to submerge myself in the Pacific Ocean, burrowing deep into the soft silt floor until all I can hear is the vibrations of faraway whale songs reverberating deep in my skeleton, finally at peace. April Fools! I will never know peace. READ MORE

Sullivan creates task force on task forces

In response to widespread frustration with the efficacy of current administrative committees, University President Teresa Sullivan announced Tuesday the creation of a new task force aimed at improving existing task forces. “The University takes seriously the issue [of maintaining task forces],” Sullivan said in a statement released Tuesday. READ MORE

Incoming Student Council President Abe Axler stages coup against Sullivan

Taking the concept of student self-governance to new heights, Student Council President-elect Abe Axler usurped University President Teresa Sullivan Monday, placing the entire University under his control. After a tumultuous semester defined by student dissent with the current administration, Axler took matters into his own hands and fulfilled his long vacant ambitions by orchestrating the coup. READ MORE

In response to crisis, Sullivan sends email

In a step typically reserved for major controversies, University President Teresa Sullivan sent an e-mail to the student body Tuesday with the subject line of the e-mail reading “An Important Message from President Sullivan.” According to the e-mail, Sullivan was responding to “whatever the hell is going on now.” “As I sit at my desk in my blue pantsuit — you know the one — I want you, members of our community, to know I care deeply about recent events,” Sullivan said. READ MORE

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