Time to pay the piper
While most of my columns are directed at my homies stuntin' with that Y chromosome, it has become time to address the ladies. Actually, I'd like to address a specific group of ladies. A very specific group of ladies. A group of young women who have the power to make a change for the better at U.Va. Beautiful, aspiring professional young women who I'm sure, if given the chance, would do their very best to ensure that the legacy of U.Va. remains as prominent and highly touted as it has been in years past.
Yes, girlfriends and hookups of the football team, I am talking to you.
Women, desperate times call for desperate measures. Because the school administration is obviously not going to take responsibility and get rid of one of the most ridiculously overpaid coaches in college football, it is time for the young beauties of this university to take matters into their own hands. It is time for you to rise up as one against the shame this wretched football team has cast upon all of us. It is time for you to go on strike.
I understand that some of you may have very serious relationships with members of the Virginia football team. I also understand that there are some of you jersey collectors out there who really just want your wall lined with every player's number from the past four seasons. Emotional involvement, however, is neither here nor there when it comes to losing to William & Mary in possibly the easiest home opener to date.
So it is with great regret, and with even greater intensity, that I ask all of you to refuse to see any current U.Va. football player. Granted, many of them are tall, muscular fellows who some of you might find very attractive. They are also the laughing stock of the Commonwealth of Virginia, the ACC and, possibly worst of all, their own student body. Those letterman jackets really only say winner when, well, they actually win.
I want to ensure that everyone understands the terms of this strike. Henceforth, any girl who wishes to fulfill her collegiate duty is honor bound to refuse any advances from any member of the football team. This includes flirting, kissing, flexing, etc. Further, true champions of the Cavalier spirit may go so far as to refuse to acknowledge or even make eye contact with members of said team.
The start date for such a boycott is yesterday. So you hooked up with a lineman last night? Be ashamed. And as penance, spend your days picketing outside Scott Stadium on behalf of the strike.\nAn end to the strike has not been planned yet as it is not in the foreseeable future. Hell, it may never end.
While this might be a confusing strategy to many of my loyal readers out there, I can tell you from years of experience as a dating expert that if there is one thing that motivates our football team more than steak and beating things with clubs, it's the beauties of our fine school. By taking part in the boycott, you are putting your foot down to say that we are all sick and tired of being texted by everyone we know with even the slightest knowledge of college football to tell us that our team sucks. You are also giving yourselves the opportunity to date real winners. While every girl has her own definition of a dream guy, the one thing that can be agreed upon by all girls is that columnists and reporters are sexy, especially of the college variety. You've really got nowhere to go but up, right?\nSo, in conclusion: Girls, don't date football players. Football players, don't hurt me.
Andy's column runs biweekly Mondays. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.