HUMOR: 8 Movies I’d Like to See
Lately, I’ve noticed there are a lot of movies out there but not many I can sit through all the way. I decided to write down a few of my own ideas for movies so I can make them, once I finally get rich.
A blind man lives alone and makes mirrors for a living. Each time a customer buys a mirror, he tells them how beautiful they are. None of the customers even notice the man is blind because they’re too busy watching themselves in the mirrors. The movie ends in a silent shot of the blind man standing in front of the mirror with no reflection looking back at him. Wait a second — is the blind man a vampire, too? I’m not gonna tell you because the audience has to decide.
The Wild Frontier
A heartwarming story of a bear and a salmon who have to stick together in the aftermath of the Louisiana Purchase. I haven’t worked out the details but there’s a scene where they ask Sacagawea for directions but the salmon stays back because he’s nervous about meeting a famous person. This adds depth to salmon’s character because he comes off as super-confident in the beginning when he first meets the bear. Historical accuracy is the key with the dialogue here, because it needs to feel like you’re watching a real bear and salmon talk in 1803.
This one’s a romantic comedy that opens with the hunky actor of the day playing 17-year-old Shawn Dawcett, who’s laying in a cornfield. Shawn makes a bet with his cousin Sherry that he could get any girl he wanted in this town to take him to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Sherry says it’s a deal, as long as he “stays the heck away from her.” If you watch romantic comedies as much as I do, it’s easy to see where this one’s going. Still — a cute little family flick that’s sure to entertain.
Death of Aunt Mathilda
A successful but emotionally detached businessman must return to his hometown to attend his Aunt Mathilda’s funeral. He is overcome with guilt when he realizes he never knew his Aunt Mathilda, and decides to be less selfish and learn more about her. He asks his mother and it’s revealed that she never knew his Aunt Mathilda either. The man’s two sisters and brother admit to never having even met Aunt Mathilda, both under the impression that the others knew who she was. It turns out that no one in this family knows Aunt Mathilda. This sets us up to explore the main mystery in the film: who sent out the funeral invitations?
Two Mixed-Race Cops
A twist on the classic black-cop, white-cop duo, this movie is about two policemen who both have a healthy balance of book smarts and street smarts that get them through fighting tough crimes. I decided that the crimes don’t really matter, as long as there are enough scenes of them sitting in the front seat of a cop car and gently shaking their heads in disapproval.
A beautiful French bohemian moves to the United States for her next adventure. While she wants a new chapter in her life, she finds it harder and harder to adjust to the American ways and language. One rainy day in Manhattan she meets an American stranger who helps her close her loft window. The stranger stays for tea and later teaches the woman all the letters in the English alphabet. Right as the he’s about to leave, they make love on her balcony’s bistro table, and she never sees him again. Twenty years later she is back in Paris, watching television, and who’s on? The stranger, who turns out to have been Pat Sajak! The bohemian woman lives the rest of her life in regret.
Inner-city School/Artsy Movie
An inner-city school is riddled with gang violence and devastating budget cuts, leaving many of its students to drop out and survive in the streets. A clean-cut math teacher comes in and decides it’s time to finally turn things around. After a few weeks the kids all learn Calculus really well, but a bunch of them still get shot. This leads the teacher to quit his job and inspires him to do what he really loves: painting. I think it’d be good for this movie’s soundtrack to be ¾ Snoop Lion and ¼ Phillip Glass, but that’s something I’ll have to talk to my musical director about.
World War I(I)
Set in Germany in 1940, this movie follows a group of four Nazi officers who suffer severe psychological trauma once they find out about the war and its atrocities. The trauma causes each officer to have a series of childhood flashbacks (80 percent of the movie), all of which show us their young lives and what their families went through in WWI (fuzzy edges so you know it’s the past). I’m pretty sure this movie would make lots of money even though it’s a World War I movie, because it’s disguised as a World War II movie.
Denise Taylor is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily.