Many people oversleep, but few pursue it with any real thought. I’ve decided that oversleeping is like war — the sleeping self must conquer the alarm clock. In order to excel in this battle, I’ve found a secret weapon in the the scholarship of Sun Tzu, advisor to the sixth century B.C. Chinese King Helü of Wu.
Tzu, unknowingly, redefined how to oversleep. In “The Art of War,” Tzu wrote, “The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” I’ve found this maxim to be the key to dominating the alarm clock.
Alarm clocks have come a long way since the clepsydra, an early Greek water clock that propelled a tiny ball onto a metal plate as one method to create a tone. This, quite obviously, is no match for even the lightest of sleepers. There is no sport in beating a clepsydra, but the enemy has become far more sophisticated.
In an effort to test my battle skills, I’ve dabbled in many alarm clock technologies. These range from the Philips goLITE BLU, which assaults me with a cacophonous tone and a blinding array of blue lights, to the 100 decibel Sonic Bomb,which includes an attachment that shakes my bed. As Tzu would say, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.” These devices work simply through overstimulation. A bit of creativity easily outmatches them — perhaps a dream of a bacterial infection eradicated by blue light or a mild earthquake overtaking the bedroom.
The greatest challenges to oversleepers are social alarm clocks, which began with the “knocker-ups” of the Industrial Revolution. These fellows would roam the streets of Britain, banging on the windows of their clients until they were roused. As Tzu would say, “The art of using troops is this: ... if in all respects unequal, be capable of eluding [one’s enemy].” Most likely, the knocker-up just wanted to go about his day. To evade the knocker-up, sleepers could have kept a small bell beside the bed perhaps and rung it in hopes of shooing him away. Thankfully, the oversleeper’s most formidable enemy, the knocker-up, has retired.
The newest rage in social alarm clocks is an app called Wakie, a poor imitation of the knocker-up. The app consists of a volunteer calling you until you are functional enough to have a minute-long conversation. Neurologically, this is difficult to overcome. Thankfully, however, humans are multi-sensory beings. A tip for easily falling back asleep after this exasperating phone conversation — keep your room extremely cold while investing in plush bedding. You’ll never want to get up. Plus, the current depreciation of the euro against the dollar offers us an opportunity to purchase many luxurious bedding options at a fraction of the price.
My own struggles with various alarm clocks and a close reading of Tzu’s work lead me to conclude that battling our alarm clocks is fundamentally a bad idea. As Tzu teaches us, “There is no instance of a nation benefitting from prolonged warfare.” To follow this wise advice, simply don’t set an alarm in the first place.
Abraham’s column runs biweekly Fridays. He can be reached at a.axler@cavalierdaily.com.
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