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Aliens, UFOS, Richard Simmons and other extraterrestrial beings

Now that you have met all of your new professors, I'm sure there is an obvious, yet important, question on everyone's minds: Have aliens landed on Earth? And if so, do the male aliens know not to stand too close to other men in public restrooms?

The constant fear of alien invasion has been on the minds of people ever since one man, Herbert Shuttlebaum, spotted the first unidentified flying object in 1898. Mr. Shuttlebaum reported that he was eating lunch with his wife when the object came out of nowhere, hit him in the face, and then disappeared forever. He was shocked by the object's striking resemblance to a roast beef sandwich, including the strong smell of mayonnaise. A couple of years later Mr. Shuttlebaum admitted that the object was most likely his wife's roast beef sandwich, which she had thrown at him in a fit of anger. Until his death in 1921, however, he never stopped asking, "If that was my wife's roast beef sandwich, then why was there no pickle? Tell me that. Why was there no pickle!"

This single, haunting incident was enough to spark a phenomenon. Ever since that day, UFO sightings have been more common than Las Vegas Elvis impersonators. People are seeing extraterrestrial beings in the sky, on the land, and in their New England clam chowder. The frightening part is that if it's discovered that even one of the thousands of people is right about what he or she saw, the following surge of made-for-TV movies would be unparalleled.

Another unexplainable incident occurred just three years ago. Ralph Henderson went to his family doctor to ask about a red discoloration in his chest. The doctor examined Mr. Henderson and stated that the redness was either due to an alien abduction in which they planted a tracking device in him, or the fact that this particular area on Mr. Henderson was currently caught in his jacket zipper. For the past three years, Mr. Henderson has tried to get his insurance company to pay for alien abduction treatment, but the company insists that the red area will go away if he just unzips his jacket. Yet Mr. Henderson is positive he was abducted because ever since the incident, he has found himself uncontrollably attracted to overweight tollbooth operators.

Could Mr. Henderson right? If aliens do exist, we can't help but wonder how we should act toward them. Once they arrive on Earth, there are several problems that must be solved. For example, should humans receive special treatment on public transportation? Would "Third Rock from the Sun" still be as lame as it is now? And would 1-800-COLLECT still be just 10 cents a minute if you're calling a galaxy that is 7,000 light years away? (The commercials act like it's so simple, but I haven't heard the answer to that question.)

Peacefully coexistence between humans and aliens may be harder than it seems. What if the aliens that arrive on Earth are no larger than a fun-size candy bar? If that's the case, would these tiny aliens be available in pet stores, and how often would you have to change the newspaper in their cage? On the other hand, what if the aliens are the size of monster trucks? Would they be allowed to travel on commercial airplanes, and if so, would their carry-on bags still have to fit in the overhead compartment?

Some people believe these questions are pointless because they feel that aliens already inhabit Earth and have blended seamlessly into our society in the same manner as the contents of a piña colada. I personally can't accept this proposal because I can't comprehend why any alien being would choose to live on the same planet as the Backstreet Boys.

This theory, however, does provide a simple explanation to such mysteries as crop circles, the Bermuda Triangle and how millions of POGs were able to disappear off the face of the Earth in mere seconds.

The answers to other mysteries, however, still elude mankind. Can anyone explain with certainty the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot and Richard Simmons? What caused these abnormal beasts to live the way they do? And could "Sweatin' to the Oldies" be some sort of alien-run torture? Plus, we mustn't forget the mind-boggling wonder inspired by the Great Pyramids. The preservation of the mummies in the Pyramids suggests that the Egyptians knew more about life after death than Strom Thurmond.

Obviously aliens must be involved somewhere in this crazy Rubik's Cube of mysteries, but this time we can't just peel the stickers off and put them back in the right place. Instead, we must tenaciously continue fiddling with the cube until we get extremely frustrated and crush it with a tack hammer. No one really knows where to find the answers to these mysteries, yet I believe we should look to the magic eight ball for the answer.

Me: Magic Eight Ball, do alien beings inhabit the earth?

Eight Ball: For the love of God, would you stop jiggling me! How can I predict the future when I'm about to throw up?!