After visiting friends at several universities during the past few weeks, I now realize why the University is so highly regarded. It's not because we have the highest cumulative GPAs, the best professors or the richest history. And it's not because we accept fewer students or have better sports teams. As far as I can tell, the University is better than most other schools in America for one reason and one reason alone. We, the students of this fine institution, are hardcore.
We at the University start with the premise that if we're gonna do something, we're gonna do it. There's no happy medium here. Why be happy when you can be hardcore? Around these Grounds, it's all or nothing.
When we study for tests, we study hard, even if we never went to class and we are doomed to fail anyway. If we miss one lecture we may as well miss them all, right? When we party, we party hard. It's not good enough to just go to one bar when we turn 21. That's what those pansies at the other schools do. No, when we turn 21 we stagger our way to every single bar on the Corner. We're so hardcore, in fact, that we crawl.
For more proof of our winning intensity, attend any one of many fraternity parties held on any given weekend. Look around -- it's blatantly obvious why we are among the best schools in the nation. Unlike those losers at other state schools, we do more than only occasionally wear our black pants. Why just bring them out on special occasions? Around here, we wear our black pants every weekend, to every party we attend. Similarly, we find no logic in wearing khakis and any old shirt. If we wear khakis (which we always do, because we are that hardcore), we must also wear a button-down shirt (preferably plaid) and a nasty, sweaty baseball hat. We're so great. It's that single-minded dedication to the high ideals of fashion that contributes to our stellar academic reputation.
We thumb our collective noses at those other schools with their relaxed attitudes and easygoing student bodies. As we chase after UTS buses like rabid animals to avoid walking the few meters between buildings, we scoff at those wimps at other schools who actually walk to class. We particularly loathe those people who walk in order to avoid the routine crowding indicative of mass transit. Our hardcore nature demands that we shove, contort and end up sniffing someone's armpit until we fit one more person on that bus. It's determination like that that makes us such a fine institution.
I've recently noticed indications of our shared hardcore culture in my own life. I spent four hours reviewing the online course offering directory the day it came out. Sure, I had work to do. But one merely cannot skim such a document and give in to the laxity that plagues our peer institutions.
I also am proud to say that I spent three hours Sunday doing laundry, just as any Wahoo worth his salt would. As I folded sock after sock I snickered to myself, pitying those poor fools around the country that haven't yet figured out how to be as successful as we are. Just one load of laundry at a time? I think not.
In my psychobiology class Monday we learned that scientists can use artificial means to influence circadian rhythms in research subjects, thereby creating the illusion of a 30-hour day. I could see the wheels turning in the head of the guy in front of me, who was doing some rather intense upper-level math homework during lecture so as not to waste any time in his hardcore day. I'm sure he was thinking, "This is great! I can use those extra six hours to do more homework and join at least four more clubs!" See, it's people like him that make the University the great school that it is.
Yup, I can see why the best is found here in Charlottesville. We've simply learned to be the greatest at everything we do. Besides working and studying, we get sick more, we complain more and we waste more time using Simeon than any other school around. It's not such a difficult concept to appreciate. Just think about it. If you don't understand what I'm talking about right away, don't worry about it. Just concentrate until the thought dominates your mind and you can think of nothing else. That's right. Be hardcore. Just like a good 'Hoo should be.
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