I've never been particularly fond of elections, not school board elections, not JV cheerleader elections (okay, I take that back), not even presidential elections.
Especially presidential elections.
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Asking the resident sports guru in any household to watch CNN every night for nine months is like making Danny Snyder and Dan Turk hum "Kumbaya" together, or getting Isaiah Rider to show up for a practice on time, or convincing the pollsters to put the Virginia men's basketball team in the Top 25. It's unthinkable.
But since we, the chosen ones, those specially plucked from the masses to watch all 93 reruns of the morning SportsCenter, have to endure the rest of the country's incessant political banter, we might as well get used to it. In fact, we might as well join it.
Let's stick to what we know - and what we know is sports. Surprisingly, so do the four men vying for the presidential throne.
So without further ado, let's call the foursome to the scales, dissect their virtues and vices like a bad zone defense and choose our Commander-in-Chief. Let's get ourselves a president.
John "Night Train" McCain
Why vote yes: If we're actually going to let Christina Aguilera and Phil Collins serenade us at the Super Bowl, then racing a jet plane around Vietnam has to count for something.
Okay, so dropping bombs in Far Eastern jungles isn't a real sport, but is street luge?
The man has guts. He's the Shane Battier of the military, willing to sacrifice his body and take charge whenever his country calls on him. The man also has a scarier stare than Bobby Knight. The General's red glare - and occasional chair-flinging, son-kicking temper tantrums - gets results. Why can't the pilot's?
Why vote no: I respect McCain's courage and sacrifice as much as the next red-blooded American who holds Maverick and Goose as war heroes.
However, did the McCain-aanites have to remind us of his five-year imprisonment in Hanoi during every commercial break of the NBA All-Star game? Excuse me, but I didn't turn on NBC to catch the John McCain infomercial marathon. I tuned in to watch Kevin Garnett dunk the ball ... again and again ... and again.
George W. Bush
Why vote yes: If ever there's a Republican worth voting for, it's this accent-heavy, ball-cap wearing ex-Texas Rangers owner.
And if ever a position groomed a man for the rigors of the White House, that position is owning a professional franchise.
Money Management: check - the salary cap. Foreign policy: yep - deciding whether to sign Hideki Irabu. Defending one's integrity: yes indeed - attempting to explain how in the world one gets suckered into shipping Sammy Sosa and Wilson Alvarez to the White Sox for Harold Baines. At least he knows he has the Windy City's vote.
Why vote no: Sosa and Alvarez for Baines? Yikes! Plus, the Rangers never won a pennant under young Bush's direction. Can we trust that this man won't make the same mistakes in the Oval Office that he did in the front office? I just don't know.
Bill Bradley
Why vote yes: Another obvious choice. As the starting shooting guard for the two-time NBA champion New York Knicks, Bradley knows what it takes to get the job done. Flatly, he has the winning edge, not to mention a silky jump shot to boot. And when's the last time we can say we had a president who could tickle the twine?
Furthermore, Bradley surrounds himself with good people. Behind his championship rings were a gimpy intimidator named Willis Reed, a swingman with an eastern drawl thicker than New England clam chowder in Dave DeBuschere and a hippie zen master known as Phil Jackson. When it came to teammates, Bradley sure could pick 'em, and I have every confidence his presidential cabinet would be as strong as that Knicks supporting cast.
Why vote no: The stoic statesman has the personality of Pete Sampras. In other words, from all the early returns I'm receiving, he has none. While it's perfectly fine to have little pizzazz when you're paid millions upon millions for serving a fuzzy green ball 125 mph, I'm not so sure it's okay for the preeminent man on the planet.
Al Gore
Why vote yes: He's the John Rocker of the election. Sure Rocker's insensitive, degrading remarks about anyone not wearing a NASCAR hat were callous. But at least he was gutsy enough to speak his mind, even if that entailed playing the part of the village idiot.
Similarly, the 50-plus phone calls Gore made to foreign businessmen in a plea for campaign funds was unethical, immoral and bluntly wrong. So were the unremitting lies to cover his bee-hind once the truth came out. It was stupid, but it did take nerve.
Why vote no: Thanks to the Tennessee Titans, we've already witnessed one Music City Miracle. Gore doesn't deserve to be number two.
The verdict
Sort through the riff-raff, peel the bodies off the dogpile, reduce an election to the bare athletic essentials and we have our man: Bill Bradley.
So his personality needs a little polishing. Okay, so it needs a lot. But Michael Jordan endorses the guy, and isn't MJ the real President of this country anyway?
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