DEAR SANTA,
Technically, it's silly for me to be writing you because I'm Jewish and because you don't exist, but if you'll indulge me ...
Below is my holiday wish list. Do what you can to find someone real to do something about these matters. For this, I shall be greatly obliged.
University related wishes: First, I wish for more holiday decorations around Grounds. Please put an enormous Christmas tree in the middle of the Lawn. Next to it you could put an oversized menorah to appease the Jews, who after all were the begetters of Christianity and thus your fame. Do whatever you can to make the University look like a gaudy and over-decorated strip mall. The White House does it; why shouldn't we?
Please see about making Dean Penny Rue the first ever University Monarch. Oh wait, scratch this; I already have my wish.
Make the Parking and Transportation Department at the University nice. Teach them that a student shouldn't pay in parking tickets what he pays to study here. Teach them that putting up flimsy and invisible signs in the Cabell/Kerchoff Hall parking lot on weekends saying, "Exception today: No parking," is unfair and spiteful. And then when nobody sees the sign that Parking and Transportation deliberately has obscured, it's wrong to tow the students' cars or to hire some ex-convict to break into the car to take it. Tell them that it's also wrong when you catch this happening for the ex-con to demand a sum of money - a bribe - not to continue to break into your car. And when you ask for a receipt for that money, and when it is denied, which is proof that the ex-con's demands were improper, make P&T realize that their imposing authoritarianism is wrong. Also tell the police officer standing 30 feet away that she was wrong for ignoring the extortion of a student. You might want to make the police officer smarter, because I suspect it was her intellectual incompetence that made her see nothing wrong with this unlawful use of fiduciary coercion.
I hope for reasonable - and if you're feeling extremely generous, easy - exams. I wish for lots of first-rate grades in all my classes. Actually, I wish for no final exams at all.
Other unreasonable demands, unrelated to the University: Get Texas Gov. George W. Bush declared president already. Former Supreme Court Justice Lewis F. Powell, Jr. once noted that "It is more important for an issue to be decided, than for it to be decided right." I think Powell hit the nail on its head. This needs to come to an end; how would we get the community to come gussy up the Lawn if they're glued to C-SPAN or CNN watching people listen to an audio-recording of the Supreme Court?
Anyway, here's how I recommend you do this. Doctor some extra Bush ballots from Florida, go down Bush's chimney in Texas, doing your best not to get stuck, and deposit the additional ballots in his home. Bush can then say that some Florida ballots turned up under his Christmas tree at his home in Texas, and that he is gratified that the people of Florida chose him unequivocally after all.
I wish for 36-hour days to do everything that needs to get done. No - this is not a cloaked wish for various controlled substances, though I suppose that could extend the length of your day.
I wish that someone would stop throwing away my newspaper in the morning just because I don't wake up at the crack of dawn.
I wish that my next door neighbor would stop playing his funny music at midnight every night.
I also hope that everyone enjoys the intense consumerism during this holiday season. This is good. I also hope that this year people will give cash grants as opposed to gifts, because cash grants make the recipient happier, when the cost to the giver of the gift and the cash grant are the same.
I wish all my family and friends a happy and healthy holiday season, with lots of relaxation, with lots of love and joy. I wish for family and friends that they enjoy all the goodness of the holiday season minus all the hassles and worries that usually accompany it. I wish for family and friends that they take some time during this season to contemplate, to slow down, and to sit back and be happy.
Anyway, I'll get off your lap now and keep the line moving.
Sincerely yours,
Jeff
(Jeffrey Eisenberg is a Cavalier Daily columnist.)
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