IN THE spirit of the holiday season, I would like to offer a list of superlatives for holiday decorations, clothes, music and other manners of cheer sprinkling.
Best type of decoration: Anything that involves food. This includes Halloween pumpkins, candy canes and those little plastic berries that are featured on some well-wrapped gift items. Did you not know that those were edible? Oh, well they are.
Worst type of decoration: Anything with neon lighting. This means those garish nativity scenes that are waiting to be bought at the Home Depot for $10.99 so you can make your yard look like a Las Vegas hotel. People - those are religious ornaments. Do not settle for anything less than the best.
Best Holiday movie: I'm actually not that sure about this one, but I'm positive that it's not "The Grinch." Although Jim Carrey resides in Hooville, this does not mean that any University student should spend his time watching this cheesy holiday rip off. I can't believe Carrey is exploiting a time-honored childhood story so he can make a few Gs before Christmas. Whatever happened to those glory days when his comedy involved talking out of his behind?
Best Holiday Music: When I'm home for Christmas, my family likes to light up the Christmas tree, drink some eggnog, gather round the crackling fire and sing along to our favorite Wu Tang Clan songs. If your family prefers listening to something a little more classic though, like Run DMC, that's okay too.
Worst Childhood Holiday Clothing: When I was little, I had this bright pink sweater that featured a Christmas tree with giant poof balls on it. My friend however, was much more traumatized because he had a sweater with decorative candy on it and kids would chase him around trying to pick it off and eat it. If you see a child walking by who is being subjected to a similar torture, make sure you give his mom a dirty look for thinking that his getup is a good idea.
Best Holiday Children's Clothing: The kids who are all bundled up in their winter bubble jackets zipped to their chins and their cute snow hats, so that they look like synthetic balls. Although these little guys often have trouble getting up when someone pushes them in the snow, its worth it to see them bumbling around looking like that the rest of the time.
Best Holiday Present: No matter who you have to rob or how many hours you have to wait outside Best Buy to get it, the Playstation 2 is hands down the best invention since they came out with those stress ball things. I actually have not had the chance to play with one of these bad boys, and to be honest I really don't even like video games that much, but it looks more real than the NBA.
Worst Holiday Present: It's not socks. Why do people always say that? There's absolutely nothing wrong with socks, especially when you always lose yours and have to steal your dad's and brother's when you go home. And it's also not fruitcake. Why do people have beef with fruitcake? If I got a fruitcake, I wouldn't give it away. No, the worst present would be something like slapping someone in the face and then running away. Or maybe a piece of lint.
Best Reaction to Receiving a Gift: "Ohhhhhh - thanks. I really needed this new piece of useless crap that I'm politely gushing about even though I don't know how you're related to me."
Best relative to have over at Christmas: I don't have one of these, but every one makes a claim for the infamous "drunk uncle."
Worst relative to have over at Christmas: The pudgy, irritable cousin who steals an extra piece of pie when no one is looking and then starts to cry when he gets caught.
Best Holiday: I like Christmas. The flags, the barbecue, the firecrackers. Oh, wait that's Independence Day. Never mind.
Worst Holiday: Inauguration Day. If I see that punk Bush get sworn in, I'm going to throw rocks at my TV screen.
Best present distributor: Your mom. And if you didn't know that, I'm sorry to spoil the surprise but I think it's time that you best recognize it.
Have a wonderful Winter Break and try not to watch too much TV!
(Diya Gullapalli is a Cavalier Daily associate editor.)