I CAN make your life better. Here are some of my ideas for making your Valentine's Day extremely special. You can thank me later, after my suggestions substantially improve your love life.
Don't go to classes. Come on, people, this day is of colossal significance. You can't let little things, such as your education, get in the way of celebrating this holiday. This may upset your professors and TAs because they are probably bitter about Valentine's Day. So escaping your obligations will require a bit of finesse. I recommend sending the following letter, which assuredly will earn you sympathy.
"Dear [Insert TA's name]:
I have somewhere more important to be than your class this Wednesday. Please don't take offense. I'm sure if you were in a committed relationship or were planning to spend Valentine's Day with a special someone, other than your cat, you would be skipping your own class. Well, not everyone can be as cool as I am. I wish you the very best. I'll see you next week, and I'll be shedding tears of pity for you since you have to go to class tomorrow.
Sincerely,
[Insert Your Name]"
This approach weaves a balance of direct explanation with an ounce or two of empathy for the pathetic plight that your TA or professor surely will be dealing with on Tuesday. Last year, this approach worked like a charm. My TAs liked my letter so much that, later in the semester, they called on me to answer questions, even when my hand was not raised. Some of them even felt comfortable enough to joke around with me by calling me a "jerk." It's a good thing we connected on such a personal level, because they seemed able to handle it when I hurled some funny names - such as tool, imp and the like - back at them.
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The bottom line is, don't let your education get in the way of having a good Valentine's Day.
What to give. There's nothing more romantic to give that special someone than a big wad of cash. Okay, I'll stop harping on this point. If you actually are considering gifts, here are some ideas.
I recommend an organic chemistry textbook for that really important person. It is great for a sleepless night because it will change that fact in an instant. It also subtly suggests to your guy/girl that he/she should go to medical school and make a lot of money for you. But most of all, it will make your partner think of the organic chemistry between the two of you. What a special thought. Don't be discouraged if, in giving this gift, you are met with a big slap across the face. It's just a playful sign of affection in appreciation of how thoughtful your gift is.
Maybe a text on organic chemistry isn't up your alley. Perhaps you have a more hands on approach. That's okay too. You could give your boyfriend/girlfriend a nice potted plant. It's much more economical than an organic chemistry textbook, but it will do the same work. If you get the potted plant hurled at your face, it is probably because your partner is eager to get it planted in the ground right away. If this happens, it is urgent that you find a pitcher of water to hurl back, because it is amazing how many people rush get their plants in the ground, but forget to water them. And a dead plant is the same thing as a dead gift, which does not bode well for your relationship.
Try to avoid such traditional gifts as jewelry and cards and hearts and chocolates because they are so unoriginal and probably will be met with a bad-natured slap across the face. It also probably will spell the end of your relationship.
Where to go. Nothing says class like McDonald's. Buy your guy/gal a Big Mac, share some fries, and the whole event can be topped off with a romantic kiss over the Ronald McDonald placemat. If you've seen the commercial, you'll know that true love begins at the McDonald's drivethru. But Valentine's is a special day - a day you take off school for - so go inside and soak up the atmosphere.
McDonald's might be too upscale for you. This is understandable; we're all on limited budgets. Nobody is saying that you can't make a special meal out of dumpster remains. If your partner really cares about you, he/she'll understand that it's the thought that counts. Just be sure you don't choose a dumpster next to a McDonald's because you might end up ruining some other person's special date, and that's just not right.
This Valentine's Day can be a special one. Follow my step-by-step advice and soon your Valentine's Day date will be yours for life. There's no need to thank me. I already feel your gratitude.
(Jeffrey Eisenberg is a Cavalier Daily associate editor. He can be reached at jse8y@virginia.edu)
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