It's March Madness, BABY!"
Dick Vitale's words ring in my ears as I reach for the remote control.
Mute. Much better now.
There has not been a more irritating voice than Dick Vitale's since Steve Urkel hiked up his pants and flooded TGIF with his nasal sound.
As I look outside my window, it is March Madness indeed: tender white blossoms hang on the limbs of a nearby tree. But there are no chirping birds or buzzing bees heralding the spring. It is 45 degrees outside and rainy. In fact, it has been raining for so long now that I begin to wonder if I should build an ark to transport myself to class tomorrow morning. However, it may be difficult to maneuver my ark to an "alternative meeting site" should a bomb threat occur during my ENGL 382 class again.
Back on my 12-inch RCA color television, Dick Vitale still is raving away, but silently this time. As I cautiously hit the mute button again, he comes back to life. He is evaluating the match-ups for the Sweet Sixteen, and I can't help but think to myself, "This is not a college basketball tournament. This is a high school sophomore's birthday party."
Vitale goes on to list which teams have been invited to the "Big Dance." The Big Dance? This sounds more like a Cotillion than the NCAA tournament, Baby!
There are few things in life more masculine than sports, unless you count monster trucks. And there are few sports more masculine than basketball, whose poster child, Michael Jordan, quite possibly is the most recognizable masculine face in the world. For years, we ate our Wheaties, wore our Hanes and drank our Gatorade just to "Be Like Mike."
So how is it that hundreds of masculine college athletes, who tower over the rest of the population, are proud to be invited to the Big Dance of the Sweet Sixteen? Despite this feminized nomenclature, men everywhere anticipate the Sweet Sixteen year-round. Not unlike a real Sweet Sixteen party, everyone in town buzzes about who will be there - and who won't.
As I settled back on my couch, once again relegating Dick Vitale to the depths of mute-ville, I realized the similarities didn't end there.
I recalled the authority on Sweet Sixteen: Molly Ringwald in her 1980s movie, "Sixteen Candles." In addition to the anticipation that both a party and a basketball tournament have in common, clothing also is a big issue. What you wear to a Sweet Sixteen represents who you are and what you're about. The style you choose conveys what group you most closely adhere to. Unlike choosing an outfit for a Sweet Sixteen dance, it is acceptable to wear the same attire as other attendants at the NCAA tournament.
Yet, a Sweet Sixteen is not so much about what you wear but what you do once you arrive. If you've been matched up with someone for the evening, it's up to you to figure out all their moves. After all, it would be fairly foul to step on someone's feet while you're moving with them.
Initially, tensions run high - what if the person you're matched with has their eyes on someone else? We all know that the guys on the floor are just looking to score. There also is the issue of etiquette that one must contend with at a Sweet Sixteen.
For instance, where is it acceptable to place your hands? Place them too low, and you may offend your partner - party foul. Someone is sure to blow a whistle on your move. Perhaps the best bet is to place your hands over your head and wave them about in the YMCA style. This is sure to appease everyone, except the guy next to you who is trying to score.
The similarities continue. One must keep in mind that both a Sweet Sixteen party and the NCAA tournament are a rite of passage.
A Sweet Sixteen party marks a girl's entrance into womanhood, a signal that the stakes now are higher and her mistakes are costlier. Once a girl's been to the Big Dance, she is ready to encounter other men whom she may have known previously, but now their meeting is more serious.
The same can be said of the Sweet Sixteen tournament. The players on each team all hope to complete their rite of passage into the next level of the tournament. The stakes indeed are higher for them now, and their mistakes will have a much more profound effect.
After making it through the Big Dance, each team will come in contact with a new team - men they've met during the regular season. But now the competition is much more severe and the relationship more serious.
The proof is there - the NCAA is simply holding a Sweet Sixteen dance. The same tensions are present, the stakes equally as high for each rite of passage. In fact, it's only a coincidence that Dick Vitale is not raving about punch bowls and crepe paper on my television.
No matter which Sweet Sixteen it is, when the guests of honor step on the floor, the Big Dance is in full effect.
And the crowd goes wild, Baby.
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